The Virgin Spring

I am a 21-year-old man. How do I know if a girl is really a virgin? My girlfriend has told me she’s a virgin, but I can’t be sure. Thanks, and be cool.
–Inquiring Mind

You don’t know, my inquiring young friend. That’s kind of the point: virginity is irrelevant. The traditional evidence that a woman is a virgin is the presence of the hymen, a piece of membrane that covers the external opening of the vagina. The hymen tears during a woman’s first sexual intercourse; hence, the tradition in many conservative religious families of displaying the bloody sheets after a newly-married couple has consummated their relationship for the first time. However, there are innumerable ways for a woman’s hymen to tear before she’s ever had intercourse—during sports activities, using a tampon, random jostling—and some women aren’t even born with a hymen. There are also endless ways to fake the first bleeding (inserting a pouch of goat’s blood being among the more gross methods), and with the popularity of hymen-reconstruction surgery on the surge in Europe, there’s just no way of knowing what the hymen even means anymore. (I point you to the 2006 case in France where a Muslim man had his marriage to a Muslim woman annulled the next day because he discovered she was not really the virgin she claimed to be before the wedding. This court decision was initially supported by France’s justice minister—a Muslim woman– and sparked a wave of requests in hymen-reconstruction surgeries in Europe.)

All this just goes to show that virginity isn’t really important and it’s damn near impossible to prove anyway. Honestly, why do you care? So what if your girlfriend may have had premarital sex? If she’s lying, it’s probably because she correctly suspects that you’re the kind of dude who’d freak out about it, which is totally lame on your part. If she’s telling the truth, well, there it is. I haven’t noticed any great assertions of virginity on your part, so why does it matter if she’s one or not? All I can say is, be cool.

Suckas Get Exposed

Do gays and lesbians really exist?
–Just Askin’

Yes, they do. Next, please.

Speaking For The Victim

Your advice to the mother from last week’s column (November 15th, 2008) not to let her grown-up son touch sexually her was bold and morally sound.  Considering that this was such sane advice, I am tempted to ask you what counsel you have for her son. His mother allowed him foreplay to the point of no return, so what else was the poor fellow to do? I have not heard of a mother letting her adolescent son pet and fondle her breasts. The sex urge is very strong at his age and there probably was no other way to let off steam.  If she denied him, wouldn’t it be something like forcing someone not to pass urine when he or she is hard-pressed to it? The mother should have known that there is more lust than love in young boys.  Given such liberties, an exasperated youth will not stop short of raping. Love is blind, but so is lust. There is a local saying that mother and daughter are women, pots and pitchers are mud.  Putting these together, it is no wonder that a desperate youth would find any woman fit for his purpose—even his own mother.

There are many associations that cry themselves hoarse about the rights and privileges of sexual perverts like gays, lesbians and trans-genders, whereas there is no one to speak for these normal healthy unfortunates who, like the son from last week’s column, have a genuine problem.  Sex is an obsession for them.  They turn into peeping toms and exhibitionists and feel guilty all along. Condemning the boy is easy to do, but unfortunately the culprit is also a sufferer. He also has a story to tell. I am not advocating sexual anarchy, but these were some of the thoughts that flashed through my mind on reading your column. I do not have any solution to offer for this problem in the given social set-up, but I would be interested to hear your opinion.
–Speaking For The Victim

Are you out of your ever-loving mind? First of all, I happen to run one of those organizations that advocate for the rights of “sexual perverts” and I can tell you right now that I don’t know very many queer men, women, or transgender individuals who sexually assault their mothers. No matter who it is you’re jonesing for, the desire for consensual sex is very sane. The desire to jerk off while “clenching” your mother’s breasts is very insane. Get a goddamn grip.

Moving right along, I find your insistence that males (particularly teenagers) are simply incapable of controlling their sexual urges to be very troubling. It’s this same misconception about male sexuality that allows people to excuse rape—which is not so far off from what this boy is perpetrating on his mother. If you actually read my advice from last week, you would see that I did insist that the mother take responsibility for her behavior. It’s true that she has been sending very mixed messages to her son, and while I’m going out on a limb here, it’s very likely that she was using her son as an emotional substitute for her absent husband. I also agree with you that vilifying the kid for his (admittedly) sick behavior is not very productive and that what homeboy needs is some serious professional help. But let’s not forget that this boy is 17 years old and really should know better. There are plenty of men (and teenage boys) out there who are capable of controlling when and where they express their sexual desires, and blaming the mother for her son’s behavior is no different from saying she “asked” for it. As for your little “local” homily, I have no idea what you’re trying to get at, but I hope to God you’re not meaning to imply that women are mud.  It sure sounds that way.

Seduce And Destroy

I am a 21-year-old boy. I want to seduce a 30-year-old married woman. She’s my uncle’s wife. She has caught me lifting her sari when she’s sleeping and watching her bathe, and has informed her husband about this. However, I know her husband does not satisfy her because he’s pretty small in size, if you know what I mean. So, I want to seduce her in some way. How should I go about this?
–I Know Better

What is wrong with you? First of all, lifting a woman’s sari when she’s sleeping and spying on her taking a bath is incredibly intrusive, an unforgivable violation of her space and privacy. Just because you like someone, it doesn’t give you the right to treat her like your private property or an object for your masturbatory fantasies, with no volition or boundaries of her own.

Second of all, this woman has complained to her husband about your behavior, that’s a pretty clear indication that she is not interested in your advances. And don’t give me this nonsense about her husband’s penis size and how you know better. That’s not an excuse for this kind of behavior. In all probability, this woman is completely grossed out by you. And she’s right, because you sound pretty gross. If a woman indicates that she’s not interested in you, that’s when you close up shop and move on. You do not take that as a sign to continue trying to “seduce” her, or whatever it is you call your lame attempts to mack with her. Again, I ask, what is wrong with you? Gentlemen everywhere, take note: attraction to someone does not make them your property, it does not erase their boundaries, and if they say no to your advances, you under and obligation to respect their decision. Don’t be a chump, like this fool letter-writer.

Good Vibrations

Why are sex toys illegal in India?  I myself have a couple from my overseas jaunts, but it seems like the Indian government doesn’t think the masses could either use or enjoy these things.  Considering the social structure here and dowry problems, I think it is a must-have in our society.
–A Satisfied Woman

Apparently customs regularly seizes sex toys that travelers bring from abroad, so kudos to you for getting them through. In any event, Indian law currently categorizes sex toys as “pornographic material” which is banned within the country. It’s pretty lousy because sex toys are a great way to safely explore your body and what gives you pleasure both alone and with others. They certainly help pass many hours on boring afternoons when it’s just you, yourself, and you. I’m not sure how the whole dowry thing is connected with this issue, but I agree that the state’s policing of sex toys and pornography is deeply rooted in patriarchical and heteronormative controls of sexual desire. So yeah, you sold me.

On a related note, does everyone remember that whole kerfuffle last year about the release of Hindustan Latex’s vibrating condom, Crezendo? BJP minister Kailash Vijayvargiya–the same clown who passed the mandate to ban sex education in state schools–asked the chief minister of Madhya Pradesh to ban the sale of the condom in his state as a sex toy. Meanwhile, rather than make the argument that there’s nothing wrong with sex toys and that the whole law that categorizes them and pornography as obscenity needs to be re-examined, the brilliant minds at Hindustan Latex made the claim that Crezendo is not a sex toy because it doesn’t say “sex toy” anywhere on the packaging. Genius, I tell you. Pure genius.