Speaking For The Victim

Your advice to the mother from last week’s column (November 15th, 2008) not to let her grown-up son touch sexually her was bold and morally sound.  Considering that this was such sane advice, I am tempted to ask you what counsel you have for her son. His mother allowed him foreplay to the point of no return, so what else was the poor fellow to do? I have not heard of a mother letting her adolescent son pet and fondle her breasts. The sex urge is very strong at his age and there probably was no other way to let off steam.  If she denied him, wouldn’t it be something like forcing someone not to pass urine when he or she is hard-pressed to it? The mother should have known that there is more lust than love in young boys.  Given such liberties, an exasperated youth will not stop short of raping. Love is blind, but so is lust. There is a local saying that mother and daughter are women, pots and pitchers are mud.  Putting these together, it is no wonder that a desperate youth would find any woman fit for his purpose—even his own mother.

There are many associations that cry themselves hoarse about the rights and privileges of sexual perverts like gays, lesbians and trans-genders, whereas there is no one to speak for these normal healthy unfortunates who, like the son from last week’s column, have a genuine problem.  Sex is an obsession for them.  They turn into peeping toms and exhibitionists and feel guilty all along. Condemning the boy is easy to do, but unfortunately the culprit is also a sufferer. He also has a story to tell. I am not advocating sexual anarchy, but these were some of the thoughts that flashed through my mind on reading your column. I do not have any solution to offer for this problem in the given social set-up, but I would be interested to hear your opinion.
–Speaking For The Victim

Are you out of your ever-loving mind? First of all, I happen to run one of those organizations that advocate for the rights of “sexual perverts” and I can tell you right now that I don’t know very many queer men, women, or transgender individuals who sexually assault their mothers. No matter who it is you’re jonesing for, the desire for consensual sex is very sane. The desire to jerk off while “clenching” your mother’s breasts is very insane. Get a goddamn grip.

Moving right along, I find your insistence that males (particularly teenagers) are simply incapable of controlling their sexual urges to be very troubling. It’s this same misconception about male sexuality that allows people to excuse rape—which is not so far off from what this boy is perpetrating on his mother. If you actually read my advice from last week, you would see that I did insist that the mother take responsibility for her behavior. It’s true that she has been sending very mixed messages to her son, and while I’m going out on a limb here, it’s very likely that she was using her son as an emotional substitute for her absent husband. I also agree with you that vilifying the kid for his (admittedly) sick behavior is not very productive and that what homeboy needs is some serious professional help. But let’s not forget that this boy is 17 years old and really should know better. There are plenty of men (and teenage boys) out there who are capable of controlling when and where they express their sexual desires, and blaming the mother for her son’s behavior is no different from saying she “asked” for it. As for your little “local” homily, I have no idea what you’re trying to get at, but I hope to God you’re not meaning to imply that women are mud.  It sure sounds that way.

Momma’s Boy(toy)?

I am in a very peculiar situation. I am a 37-year-old housewife and I live alone with my 17-year-old son because my husband has been working abroad for the last fifteen years. As an only child, my son has been a pampered quite a lot. He is very affectionate with me. From childhood onwards, he has been sleeping in the same bed as me. He kisses and hugs me very often, and he also likes to touch and fondle my body. I had always assumed that this was just childish innocence. However, one night I woke up from my sleep to find him masturbating while clenching my breasts. I continued to lie there as if I was sleeping, but I was shocked inside. The next day I checked his computer and found out that he had been visiting many incest sites and reading incest erotica. I am completely dumbfounded. I don’t know what to do. How do I handle this situation? Should I tell my husband about this?
–Don’t Want A Momma’s Boy

I suppose I don’t have to tell you this, but you’ve got a serious problem on your hands. I think the very fact that you let your son touch you this way in the first place is a problem. What on earth were you thinking? Physical affection is one thing, but allowing your child to feel you up cannot just be chalked up to “childish innocence” unless he or she is still an infant. You need to sit your son down for a frank talk about all of this, and to hell if it makes him feel embarrassed. And yes, you need to involve your husband in this conversation as well. First of all, it’s very important as a parent to draw boundaries. If your son “fondling” you makes you feel uncomfortable or distressed, you need to tell him right upfront. No one has the right to touch you without your consent, not even your child. Second of all, you have to tell him you found his incest porn and that you were awake while he was masturbating. It’s important that he recognize that none of this is a secret. Finally, you need to get both him and yourself into therapy. Seriously, it’s that important. It sounds like you’ve fallen into a weird codependent relationship with your son and now it’s time to create the boundaries that should have been established much earlier. Your kid is all confused about his love for you as his mother and his own burgeoning sexual desires, and you haven’t done much to help him by allowing him to have his way with you for so many years in so many small, but significant ways. Enough’s enough. It’s time for you and your son to get some professional help so that you can disentangle the threads of this very complicated problem and start rebuilding your relationship as mother and son, not as weird sexual codependents.