Very Cultured

Your advice to the married 52-year-old man who is in a sexless marriage was entertaining reading (November 8th, 2008), but your answer to “look elsewhere” was not in good taste. We as human beings should adopt certain standards, and you as a columnist and advisor should not ask people to look elsewhere.  I have my story to offer as an example.  Right now I am 54 years old. I got married at 38 and had all the fun and frolic of married life for two months, but since then I have been alone.  I had an aged and bed-ridden mother who expired last year and an unmarried sister at home.  I have been content in looking after them and although I had all the emotion and needs of a normal human being, I never ventured to go out and see women “elsewhere”. I have never needed to consult counselors, doctors or the so-called “consultants” to overcome my feelings. Even today I have the normal feelings of a normal human being, but I am content with my own pleasurable ways.  Looking “elsewhere” is not part of our culture.  Sex is certainly a part and parcel of who we are, but it is not the only thing that defines us. Please stick to our culture’s one man/one woman policy and continue your good work for the years to come.
–Defending Our Culture

I hate to say this, but if I had gotten into the sex advice gig for the purposes of promoting “good taste”, I wouldn’t be printing letters from balloon fetishists and chronic masturbators. Good taste is not the name of the game here because sex is not in good taste. It’s weird, joyous, pleasurable, undignified, and possibly embarrassing, but it is most certainly not tasteful—unless you’re into some weird food-fight sex play. Some of the stories I’ve heard…but I digress.

Anyway, let’s get back to the issue at hand. I’m very happy for you that you’ve managed to go so many years without seeking some fun and frolic.  Good for you, Scooby-Doo. But if you look back at the advice I gave to the letter-writer from November 8th, I told him to talk with his wife before making any moves. It’s entirely possible that she would be supportive of him seeking sexual partners outside the marriage. Who knows? All I can say is that the longer the two of them stick around in a sexless marriage without talking about the problems causing it, the more likely it is that the frustrated partner is going to go out and do something secretive and dishonest. (That goes for sexually frustrated women as well.) Whatever your moral opinions about this may be, someone cheating when he or she is stuck in a sexless relationship is an eventuality that everyone involved is just going to have to get realistic about. My advice was for him to be honest about his frustrations and see if there was some solution that could be worked out to all parties’ satisfaction. I didn’t tell the hapless husband to lie to his wife or use the phrase “look elsewhere” at any point in the column.

As for this whole issue about “our culture”, that argument is getting pretty tired. You complain until you’re blue in the face that so-called Indian culture does not condone certain kinds of sexual behavior, but I can tell you from the letters I receive that a lot of members of the “culture” are having sex with multiple partners, cross-dressing, popping balloons on their hoo-hoos for kicks, and generally acting like a bunch of sexual cut-ups. More power to ‘em, I say. Not to get all egghead on you, but culture is not a discrete entity that can be easily defined by a set of strict parameters. No matter what the received wisdom may be about the cultural behavior and values of a given community, most members of that community violate, defy, or abandon those expectations every day of week and twice on Sundays. You may say that Indian culture dictates that one man and one woman should partner off earlier, only have sex for the purpose of making babies, and stay faithful to each other forever, but since so few Indians actually follow those precepts, can those values really be considered definitive of “Indian culture” anymore? I think not, and the sooner people start accepting and celebrating the diversity of sexual desires within own communities, the better.

Talking About BDSM

I really want to become a slave to a man or a woman. I love to get whippings and slappings. Is this normal?
–Slaving Away

Ah, BDSM. (That’s “bondage-domination-sadism-masochism”, for the uninitiated.) One of those desires that dare not speak its own name, particularly in India. It’s funny how in the last few years so many issues that queer individuals face have become part of the public discourse in India, but the question of power as a site of performance and pleasure in sexual relationships never seems to be discussed in any serious way. So let me get down to brass tacks for all you gentle readers before answering the letter at hand. Subs, dommes, tops, bottoms, BDSM, dominance and submission, fetish, kink, leather, S&M: these are all catchwords that describe a thriving sexual subculture in the West and parts of Asia, a community with its own rules, protocols of practice, and place within the queer rainbow. BDSM refers to a broad range of eroticized activities—sometimes sexual, sometimes not—that involve the explicitly unequal power relations and roles. I’m sure all of you have heard of people wanting to be tied up, handcuffed, or spanked by a partner or partners during sex. This is the stereotypical image of BDSM practice, but in reality the practice can include anything and everything from mind games, whippings, eroticized ritual humiliation, sexual role-playing, costumes, even plain old vanilla sex that involves a conscious element of power play. A lot of people say they were born with this desire—born as a dominant or submissive—and others say they developed a yen for this particular sexual activity over time. Some people refer to themselves as “switches”–that is, able to switch between being a dominant and a submissive–and others feel that their orientation is pretty much set in stone. Some folks in the scene only want to experience power play during sexual activity, some of them want it as a whole lifestyle. As with every other sexual and gender identity, BDSM folks span the spectrum of desire.

A lot of people on the outside view BDSM activities as violent or fundamentally unequal, but the most fundamental aspect of this kind of sexual play is consent. I can’t stress it enough. BDSM isn’t violent, it’s a consensually agreed-upon, ritualized performance of inequality. That is to say, the performance of dominance and submission in the erotic realm is underpinned by respect and equality between partners. Often partners will get together before embarking on a sexual encounter and work out the rules, boundaries, and expectations of both (or all) participants. The submissive partner is expected to come up with a “safe word” or “safe gesture” to indicate when the dominant partner is to stop the activities taking place—either because the sub no longer feels pleasure, is in pain, or is emotionally overwhelmed. Failure of a dom/top to stop the activity when the sub gives his or her safe word is regarded as a tremendous violation since the sub has effectively withdrawn consent. (And usually, tops/dominants stop experiencing pleasure themselves the minute they feel the submissive partner is no longer enjoying themselves during their interaction. Like I said, this is all about the safe performance and exploration of the boundaries of control and submission, not about actual control and submission.) The primary watchword of the BDSM community is “safe, sane, and consensual”—everybody involved in a BDSM scene, relationship, or long-term lifestyle is expected to respect the boundaries of their partners, engage in sexual activity that is basically safe (even if, as in the example of rope bondage, it appears dangerous on the surface), and be clear about consent.

I guess I’m going into all this detail to answer Slaving Away’s question because BDSM is, in many ways, and area of sexual desire and identity that even many queer people are reluctant to talk openly about. Stereotypes, prejudices, and outright silencing of this voice of sexual desire is all too common, and many people both straight and queer are afraid to come out about this aspect of their sexual desires. So after that long preamble, my response to Slaving Away is this: don’t worry about the question of “normal”. When it comes right down to it, we’re all highly individual in our desires. There’s no need to feel shame. Just make sure with whom you decide to pursue BDSM with respects your boundaries fully, communicates with you easily, plays safe, and doesn’t misuse the gift of your consent.

Devil’s Disease

I used to have a disease where I would forcefully ejaculate at night while I was sleeping. I had this disease until I was 44. I managed to remove this devil’s disturbance by doing pujas and enchantments, but because of this disease I was never able to experience normal sexual desire as I young man and I became interested in boys. I am now 59 and I want to get married, but my lust for boys is not gone. Is this attraction wrong?
–Devil’s Disease

I hate to break it to you, but your attraction to men has nothing to do with your wet dreams. (Just out of curiosity, what exact “enchantments” did you do to end the wet dream issue? Just wondering.) The wet dreams didn’t cause your desire for men or stunt “normal” development in any way. In any event, if you’ve been attracted to men since you were young and you’re 52 now, I don’t think this is going to go away any time soon. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your desire for men, but you do have to come to terms with it without trying to come up with jury-rigged explanations for why you have this “problem”.

Safety and Etiquette

I am a 23-year-old girl in the IT field. I have lots of boyfriends with whom I indulge in lots of sex. I also watch a lot of porn movies to get inspiration. I often experiment by emulating what they do in those movies. Now I wish to do a position in which two men bang me at the same time, one from the back and the other from the front. I want to know if there is any health risk involved with doing this. And is it as pleasurable as it is made out be in those porn films?
–An Experimenter

I can’t answer the question of whether your proposed sexual encounter is will be as pleasurable as it looks in porn because the experience of pleasure is a highly individual thing. You may find you love being with two guys at once, or that you hate it, or that you’re totally neutral about the whole thing. Who’s to say? But as far as health risks go, it’s very important for you to be both physically and emotionally safe. Have a conversation with both men ahead of time about your boundaries, expectations, and a safe word that that all three of you know and can use in case one of you wants to stop the action at any point. Pick men that you know and trust, not just random dudes from the office. All of this pre-talk might sound like a buzz-kill, but it’s vitally important if you want to protect yourself. The fact of the matter is that you’re going to be having sex with two guys, both of whom will be bigger and stronger than you, and you have to make sure that they respect you and your boundaries and are not just a bunch of jerks in order for this to be a safe and pleasurable experience. And, of course, use condoms!

Fancy Footwork

I am 40 years old and my girlfriend is 35. We have been together for five years and both of us are happy and engaged to be married. About six months ago I saw a film in which the heroine had a beautiful pair of feet. That same night I kissed my fiancée’s feet when we were having sex. This slowly became a part of our regular sexual routine—I chew all of her toes and lick the sides. Once this even led to anal sex.  I find that I take immense pleasure in both of this acts and I thought things were going well, but what I didn’t realize was that my fiancée was not enjoying any of this. She began to discourage me with regards to both acts. She has openly declined from participating, saying that she is not a whore and that I have psychological problems. We have now started becoming distant from each other. Last week we started talking about staying in separate bedrooms. At this age it is too late for us to get married to other people, and anyway, we both still love each other. Please tell me what to do.
–Problems With Feet

It’s not often that I’m stumped by a letter, but this one’s really got me. On the one hand, if you have a fetish for feet (which is much more common than most people would believe) and you really need some footwork in your sexual life in order to be satisfied, then you and your partner should try to accommodate each other. And it’s really unfair to call someone’s fetish a psychological problem, especially something as harmless as a thing for feet. However, your letter has left some ellipses in the story. First off, are you treating your girlfriend’s feet well? Getting your toes chewed doesn’t sound all that pleasant. Second of all, did you ever actually sit down with her and discuss your desire to explore foot worship? It sounds like you kind of sprang it on her without asking her if she’s okay with it first. And finally, how on earth does a foot fetish “lead” to anal sex? Those two things are not necessarily connected except by the fact that they’re both sexual acts. Did you ask her if she was okay having anal sex? If you didn’t perform these basic courtesies, then I can see how she would feel a bit used at the end of all of this. Of course, she didn’t have to silently go along with everything—she could have spoken up at the appropriate moment instead of letting the resentment build up over time. But that’s neither here nor there. So what it comes down to is that you both bear some share of the responsibility for things being the way they are.

I don’t think this is an irrecoverable situation, but both of you need to come to the table and be grown ups.  Sit down and have a real conversation about what’s been going on: what you expect sexually, what she expects, and where you can compromise. You both may find that you’re actually not sexually compatible at the end of this and want to end things, but that’s not necessarily the worst outcome in the world. Neither of you are too old to find new partners.