Opening Up

I am currently in an open relationship and both my partner and I find it immensely satisfying. We are best friends of the quintessential “call up at 4 am about anything” kind. We can turn to each other for anything we need, physically and emotionally. I thank the fates every day for bringing this wonderful, beautiful woman into my life. We connect so well that people often comment that we are exact duplicates of each other. We love each other, but not in the traditional sense–rather in a ‘best buds’ kind of way. We enjoy our intimacy and our mutual desire for one another, but we both have a very healthy sex drive and do not limit ourselves. We both sex outside our relationship. It’s all well and good, and we have a nice, cozy arrangement in place.

What could possibly be the problem? Recently her parents found out about this arrangement of ours, on account of family friends of hers who had no business poking their nose into our affairs. While her parents are fairly liberal in matters of love and sex, they have expressed strong misgivings about the kind of relationship their daughter and I have. Me? I don’t give a damn about what anyone thinks of my personal life. But my partner is very close to her parents and wants them to approve of our relationship. She has convinced her parents to have a sit-down with both of us and talk things over. I can see her parents’ point of view—I guess they want to make sure that I don’t hurt their “little girl” in any way. But I’m also terribly flustered at the thought of discussing our relationship with them. I’ve never met them before and, quite frankly, I don’t know what I could possibly say to them to make them feel better about this. Her parents live in Hyderabad and they are coming down to Chennai in a couple of weeks to meet with us. I’m usually a big fan of the “be yourself” model of living, but I’m not entirely sure that being myself is such a good idea in this particular case. Any suggestions as to how I should go about this?
–Being Myself Could Cause Trouble

I have to say, it’s rare for me to get letters where it truly seems like everyone involved has the best of intentions and is approaching the situation with maturity and grace. You and your partner seem to have a lot of mutual respect and her parents also appear to be willing to at least try to understand their daughter’s relationship decisions. When everyone is coming to the table as caring adults and not hysterical, judgmental harpies, then I think it’s safe to say that half the battle has already been won. Way to go, letter-writer.

That being said, you and your partner both have to acknowledge the limits of what reasonable discussion accomplish. It’s very clear from your letter that the two of you have a healthy and trusting relationship and that you figured out how to the non-exclusivity thing really well. However, it’s also natural for people who care about you both to be concerned—open relationships are not the most common romantic arrangement, and realizing that your child has a loving, romantic partnership that isn’t sexually exclusive can be a very disconcerting thing. My advice? I think your partner should have this pow-wow with her parents alone. As it is, they’re going to feel discombobulated and wrong-footed about the whole thing discussion, and it’s best not to add to their confusion by asking them to meet the man behind the myth before they’ve even had a chance to digest the particular ins-and-outs (so to speak) of your relationship. Also, these are her parents, not yours, and if she cares so much about their approval then she needs to take responsibility for seeing that she has it. I would also advise you two to be patient and not get your expectations too high; this kind of disclosure can take a long time to settle in, and her parents are not going to be accepting and happy-go-lucky about this after just one sit-down. Getting them to accept and approve of your relationship is going to require a whole series of conversations, and the more easygoing you both are about this, the more likely it is that the ‘rents feel reassured. I highly recommend checking out the message boards at the website Opening Up for more advice on handling families as part of an open relationship. (Opening Up is a support and resource website for people in non-monogamous relationships, run by sex columnist, writer, and sex education Tristan Taormino.)
On a final note, you mentioned that your partner’s parents found out about your relationship through nosy family friends? Do you mind my asking how exactly the family friends got in the loop? The only reason why I’m wondering is because it’s just possible your partner told them about it. If that’s the case, then I suggest have an honest conversation with her about how you’re both feeling about the non-monogamous nature of your relationship. If indeed your partner did tell them, it’s entirely possible that your she was seeking their approval or their advice, and that she might not be feeling as positive about your relationship as you do. I don’t at all doubt the sincerity of your regard for her, but it’s a good idea to make sure you’re both on the same page before moving forward. Good luck, you crazy cut-ups!

Everybody’s Free…To Be You And Me

I am currently in an open relationship and both my partner and I find it immensely satisfying. We are best friends of the quintessential “call up at 4 am about anything” kind. We can turn to each other for anything we need, physically and emotionally. I thank the fates every day for bringing this wonderful, beautiful woman into my life. We connect so well that people often comment that we are exact duplicates of each other. We love each other, but not in the traditional sense–rather in a ‘best buds’ kind of way. We enjoy our intimacy and our mutual desire for one another, but we both have a very healthy sex drive and do not limit ourselves. We both sex outside our relationship. It’s all well and good, and we have a nice, cozy arrangement in place.

What could possibly be the problem? Recently her parents found out about this arrangement of ours, on account of family friends of hers who had no business poking their nose into our affairs. While her parents are fairly liberal in matters of love and sex, they have expressed strong misgivings about the kind of relationship their daughter and I have. Me? I don’t give a damn about what anyone thinks of my personal life. But my partner is very close to her parents and wants them to approve of our relationship. She has convinced her parents to have a sit-down with both of us and talk things over. I can see her parents’ point of view—I guess they want to make sure that I don’t hurt their “little girl” in any way. But I’m also terribly flustered at the thought of discussing our relationship with them. I’ve never met them before and, quite frankly, I don’t know what I could possibly say to them to make them feel better about this. Her parents live in Hyderabad and they are coming down to Chennai in a couple of weeks to meet with us. I’m usually a big fan of the “be yourself” model of living, but I’m not entirely sure that being myself is such a good idea in this particular case. Any suggestions as to how I should go about this?
–Being Myself Could Cause Trouble

I have to say, it’s rare for me to get letters where it truly seems like everyone involved has the best of intentions and is approaching the situation with maturity and grace. You and your partner seem to have a lot of mutual respect and her parents also appear to be willing to at least try to understand their daughter’s relationship decisions. When everyone is coming to the table as caring adults and not hysterical, judgmental harpies, then I think it’s safe to say that half the battle has already been won. Way to go, letter-writer.

That being said, you and your partner both have to acknowledge the limits of what reasonable discussion accomplish. It’s very clear from your letter that the two of you have a healthy and trusting relationship and that you figured out how to the non-exclusivity thing really well. However, it’s also natural for people who care about you both to be concerned—open relationships are not the most common romantic arrangement, and realizing that your child has a loving, romantic partnership that isn’t sexually exclusive can be a very disconcerting thing. My advice? I think your partner should have this pow-wow with her parents alone. As it is, they’re going to feel discombobulated and wrong-footed about the whole thing discussion, and it’s best not to add to their confusion by asking them to meet the man behind the myth before they’ve even had a chance to digest the particular ins-and-outs (so to speak) of your relationship. Also, these are her parents, not yours, and if she cares so much about their approval then she needs to take responsibility for seeing that she has it. I would also advise you two to be patient and not get your expectations too high; this kind of disclosure can take a long time to settle in, and her parents are not going to be accepting and happy-go-lucky about this after just one sit-down. Getting them to accept and approve of your relationship is going to require a whole series of conversations, and the more easygoing you both are about this, the more likely it is that the ‘rents feel reassured.
On a final note, you mentioned that your partner’s parents found out about your relationship through nosy family friends? Do you mind my asking how exactly the family friends got in the loop? The only reason why I’m wondering is because it’s just possible your partner told them about it. If that’s the case, then I suggest have an honest conversation with her about how you’re both feeling about the non-monogamous nature of your relationship. If indeed your partner did tell them, it’s entirely possible that your she was seeking their approval or their advice, and that she might not be feeling as positive about your relationship as you do. I don’t at all doubt the sincerity of your regard for her, but it’s a good idea to make sure you’re both on the same page before moving forward. Good luck, you crazy cut-ups!

Momma’s Boy(toy)?

I am in a very peculiar situation. I am a 37-year-old housewife and I live alone with my 17-year-old son because my husband has been working abroad for the last fifteen years. As an only child, my son has been a pampered quite a lot. He is very affectionate with me. From childhood onwards, he has been sleeping in the same bed as me. He kisses and hugs me very often, and he also likes to touch and fondle my body. I had always assumed that this was just childish innocence. However, one night I woke up from my sleep to find him masturbating while clenching my breasts. I continued to lie there as if I was sleeping, but I was shocked inside. The next day I checked his computer and found out that he had been visiting many incest sites and reading incest erotica. I am completely dumbfounded. I don’t know what to do. How do I handle this situation? Should I tell my husband about this?
–Don’t Want A Momma’s Boy

I suppose I don’t have to tell you this, but you’ve got a serious problem on your hands. I think the very fact that you let your son touch you this way in the first place is a problem. What on earth were you thinking? Physical affection is one thing, but allowing your child to feel you up cannot just be chalked up to “childish innocence” unless he or she is still an infant. You need to sit your son down for a frank talk about all of this, and to hell if it makes him feel embarrassed. And yes, you need to involve your husband in this conversation as well. First of all, it’s very important as a parent to draw boundaries. If your son “fondling” you makes you feel uncomfortable or distressed, you need to tell him right upfront. No one has the right to touch you without your consent, not even your child. Second of all, you have to tell him you found his incest porn and that you were awake while he was masturbating. It’s important that he recognize that none of this is a secret. Finally, you need to get both him and yourself into therapy. Seriously, it’s that important. It sounds like you’ve fallen into a weird codependent relationship with your son and now it’s time to create the boundaries that should have been established much earlier. Your kid is all confused about his love for you as his mother and his own burgeoning sexual desires, and you haven’t done much to help him by allowing him to have his way with you for so many years in so many small, but significant ways. Enough’s enough. It’s time for you and your son to get some professional help so that you can disentangle the threads of this very complicated problem and start rebuilding your relationship as mother and son, not as weird sexual codependents.

I Want A Family Too!

I am gay and under great pressure to marry. I am starting gather up my courage to tell my parents that I’m gay, but I am very confused whether to marry or not. I want a life partner with whom I can share my thoughts and I want to be a father. Should I marry or not? Isn’t a marriage about things like trust, love, and affection, and not just sex? My parents have dreams of my marriage and they are eager to arrange something for me. Please guide me out through this tough time.

–I Want A Family, Too!
I’ve talked to a lot of my friends who are going through similar issues right now, and the general consensus seems to be this: don’t let your parents arrange a marriage for you. Seriously. Wanting a partner and children isn’t any reason to drag an innocent person into what is, essentially, a dishonest relationship. Sure, marriage (or any kind of emotional partnership) involves trust, affection, and blah, blah, blah—but hell, good sex is important, too. In fact, it’s one of the most important things in a relationship. Let’s just play the scenario you’re proposing out to its logical conclusion: it’s unlikely that the parental units would disclose your sexual orientation to any family they were trying to get you hooked up with. Maybe they’re successful and manage to get you married off. Suddenly your new bride is stuck cleaning house, making meals, and pumping out the puppies for a guy who, nice dude though you may be, will never be attracted to her or truly want her. You’ll probably be having affairs on the side and everyone will feel betrayed and unwanted. Nobody deserves that kind of hoodwink. Unless your folks just happen to know a nice, open-minded family with a lesbian daughter who’s in a similar pickle, and you would both be willing to have an open marriage with her, the whole thing just seems like a recipe for disaster. If you want a life partner, by all means, go out and get one. As the aunties would say, find yourself a nice, hard-working, honest boy with a good job (or a mean, lazy, compulsive liar—whatever floats your boat), set up house, adopt a child, and live happily ever after with two dogs and fabulous interior decorating for your house. It’s legal for men in India to adopt now anyways, so you’re already set on that front. Oh yeah, and screw up your courage to tell your parents that you’re gay but still planning on having a family, just not with a woman.

Struggling With Being Lesbian and A Parent

I am a 35-year-old lesbian woman living in south India. I have not disclosed my homosexuality to any of my family, friends or relatives. Due to the pressure from my parents, I got married about three years ago. Since it is a compulsion for me to behave as a heterosexual woman, I occasionally have sex with my husband, but I hate the sex and I often try to put him off, and then he gets angry. And now I have a one-year-old son. I am worried about him. Will he become gay because I am a lesbian?
–Mother Of A Son

No, your son will not become gay if you are lesbian. While there is some debate out there about whether being gay is a biological trait, nobody has determined anything regarding the inheritability of being gay so far. And even if your son does turn out to be gay, there’s nothing wrong with that. However, I don’t think this is really the problem you wanted to write to me about.

From all the details you’ve given me, it seems like you’ve got more issues going on than just concern for your son. You are stuck in a sham marriage with someone you don’t want to be with, and what’s worse, you’re being forced to have sex with that person. Gay or straight, it’s a bad situation you’re in. You’re slowly giving away your ability to make any choices about the direction your life taking precisely because you can’t tell anyone about your sexual orientation. It’s true that it’s much more difficult for women than men to resist the pressure of marriage, regardless of whether they’re lesbian or straight. However, the longer you stay closeted and in this marriage, the more unhappy and desperate you’re going to become—and you’re putting yourself at physical risk if your husband starts becoming more abusive when you resist sex. Believe me, it doesn’t get easier over time, and this is not the sort of thing where you can just “adjust”, as the aunties would counsel. My advice? Get out of this marriage and start slowly talking to people about your sexual identity. You do have options, no matter how bleak things look right now. You can contact any of these organizations for help: Sangama in Bangalore, Sahayatrika in Trivandrum, or the Shakti Center in Chennai. You have to get out of this situation, but you don’t have to do it alone. All of these organizations have resources to help you create an action plan and can give you counseling and support while you do it. Good luck and take care, friend.