All In The Family

My brother recently disclosed to me that he is gay. I have no issues with this at all and neither does my husband. The real problem is my family, especially my parents. It would break them to know about this, just totally shatter them along with the rest of our family.

My brother has been quite lonely and he has been fighting this battle alone for a long time. It has affected his work many times. Now he wants to find a partner, and he wants all of us to accept him and get to know him for who he really is. I do have to say, ours is a very close-knit and liberal south Indian family—we’ve even had inter-caste and international marriages. We always support each other and everyone adores my brother. However, I don’t think my family members are liberal enough to accept that my brother is gay. It would be so shocking for everybody!

I don’t know how to handle this whole situation. I want the best for my brother but I also don’t want my parents to suffer. They love us both a lot and they’ve done a lot for us. It’s just not possible to tell them. They’re very naïve and this would affect them badly, both socially and emotionally. So right now we’re all just ignoring this issue and muddling through. My parents tell people that my brother will marry when he wants to. However, I know that one day or the other we will have to deal with this situation.  I just don’t know how.  And please don’t tell me that I have to sit down with my parents and explain what’s going on.  I seriously think they would have a heart attack.

I read somewhere that homosexuality is not genetic—it’s the environmental factors at childhood that are responsible. I’ve also read that it’s possible to change with psychiatric intervention. Is this true? Should I tell my brother about this possibility?

What should I do? I really hope I will get a sense of direction from your reply.
–A Confused Sister

I think you need to focus less on what to do about your parents, and focus more on being a supportive presence for your brother. The fact is, your brother is the only person who can make the decision about disclosing his orientation to your folks. If you step in and do it for him, you’ll be committing a terrible breach of trust. He’s entrusted you with this information because he knows you support him, and I have no doubt he’s equally capable of deciding whether there’ll ever be a good time to tell your parents. He’s the one who’ll be dealing with the fallout of coming out, so he should be the one to decide when to do it. Not you. So don’t sweat it. If you really think your parents will never be able to handle it, then you’re certainly free to communicate that opinion to your brother, but it’s ultimately his choice to make.

But I have to say, I do understand your confusion. It’s very hard to keep secrets from your loved ones, especially on behalf of someone else. Your taking on a big emotional responsibility and that’s a tough thing to do. And I’m very impressed by the level of care and compassion you have for your sibling. He’s lucky to have you and your husband, and the best thing you can do for him is to continue to be supportive without judging him.  It’s precisely the support of an encouraging relative or friend that can prevent a young queer person from falling into despair, growing desperate with loneliness, or making really stupid mistakes.  Your presence is invaluable here and you can really use this as an opportunity to know your brother better and develop a closer relationship with him. I highly suggest that the both of you check out the website Orinam. It’s a support and resource website in Tamil and English for young queer people and their families. You’ll find a lot of advice and guidance there.

As for this issue of “changing” someone’s sexual orientation through psychiatric therapy, it’s been proven that these methods don’t work because being gay or lesbian is not a disorder or pathology—psychiatric intervention doesn’t work because there’s no problem to fix.  In fact, the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-I) in 1973. As further support, the APA, the American Psychological Association, the American Counseling Association, the General Assembly of the Norwegian Psychiatric Association, the Royal College of Psychiatrists in the UK, the Australian and New Zealand College of Psychiatrists, and the German Parliament have all denounced conversion therapy as unethical and stated that same-sex desire is not a mental disorder. All of these organizations strongly suggest that practitioners do not refer clients to conversion therapists. Heck, even the Chinese Classification of Mental Disorders (CCMD—III) has declassified homosexuality as a mental disorder. Conversion therapy carries strong risks for undermining the emotional health of queer individuals and perpetuating self-harming behavior by encouraging individuals to reject this foundational aspect of their selfhood, and the therapy also encourages the continued societal stigmatization of queer people as mentally disturbed and ill.

The reason why I’m going into so much detail is because I get a lot of letters from people asking about psychiatric therapy to change sexual orientation and it seems like there is a tremendous amount of misinformation floating around out there on this subject. So let me come down on this once and for all: conversion therapy is unethical and damaging to individuals and communities. Any doctor or therapist who tells you otherwise is selling you a bunch of bunkum. Confused Sister: attempting to get your brother to “convert” to heterosexuality will only undermine his sense of identity, fuel into possible feelings of self-hatred and anxiety, and prevent him from being a strong, proud adult. Don’t go there.

Devil’s Disease

I used to have a disease where I would forcefully ejaculate at night while I was sleeping. I had this disease until I was 44. I managed to remove this devil’s disturbance by doing pujas and enchantments, but because of this disease I was never able to experience normal sexual desire as I young man and I became interested in boys. I am now 59 and I want to get married, but my lust for boys is not gone. Is this attraction wrong?
–Devil’s Disease

I hate to break it to you, but your attraction to men has nothing to do with your wet dreams. (Just out of curiosity, what exact “enchantments” did you do to end the wet dream issue? Just wondering.) The wet dreams didn’t cause your desire for men or stunt “normal” development in any way. In any event, if you’ve been attracted to men since you were young and you’re 52 now, I don’t think this is going to go away any time soon. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your desire for men, but you do have to come to terms with it without trying to come up with jury-rigged explanations for why you have this “problem”.

Where’s My Identity?

I am in a real panic. Please help me. I am a 21-year-old guy from Chennai. For four or five years I was thinking of myself as gay because I was only attracted to handsome men and never girls. But lately I have been having a lot of heterosexual fantasies and I no longer enjoy gay sex. I’m still more sexually attracted to men but I also get a lot of pleasure out of imagining sex with a girl. I just had sex with two guys and I didn’t really enjoy it even though I liked their looks. Whenever I see girls exposing even a little bit of their bodies I think about having sex with them and I love hetero porn as much as gay porn. Now I am unable to decide whether I am a bi or a pure gay. I feel that I should marry a girl for good sexual life. Can I do that when I get a chance in future?
–No Longer Sure

Hold up, buddy. There’s no need to torment yourself if you if you find yourself attracted to men and women both. Sexual desire is not an either/or proposition. You don’t have to be a “pure” gay, “pure” straight, or even a “pure” bisexual. The word “pure” doesn’t mean anything. People are frequently surprised by how their desires change over time. Just go with the feeling. Don’t feel hemmed in by the need to put a label on it.

Now on to the next thing: why do you believe you need to get married to a girl to have a good sex life? It sounds like you’ve been having a lot of fun as unmarried guy already. In any event, if you do decide to get married or have a long-term relationship with anyone, male or female—it’s a good idea to let them know that you have desires for both sexes. You may or may not want an open relationship, but it’s still one of those pieces of information that any long-term partner would want to know.

Questioning the Q

I am in a real panic. Please help me. I am a 21-year-old guy from Chennai. For four or five years I was thinking of myself as gay because I was only attracted to handsome men and never girls. But lately I have been having a lot of heterosexual fantasies and I no longer enjoy gay sex. I’m still more sexually attracted to men but I also get a lot of pleasure out of imagining sex with a girl. I just had sex with two guys and I didn’t really enjoy it even though I liked their looks. Whenever I see girls exposing even a little bit of their bodies I think about having sex with them and I love hetero porn as much as gay porn. Now I am unable to decide whether I am a bi or a pure gay. I feel that I should marry a girl for good sexual life. Can I do that when I get a chance in future?
–No Longer Sure

Hold up, buddy. There’s no need to torment yourself if you if you find yourself attracted to men and women both. Sexual desire is not an either/or proposition. You don’t have to be a “pure” gay, “pure” straight, or even a “pure” bisexual. The word “pure” doesn’t mean anything. People are frequently surprised by how their desires change over time. Just go with the feeling. Don’t feel hemmed in by the need to put a label on it.

Now on to the next thing: why do you believe you need to get married to a girl to have a good sex life? It sounds like you’ve been having a lot of fun as unmarried guy already. In any event, if you do decide to get married or have a long-term relationship with anyone, male or female—it’s a good idea to let them know that you have desires for both sexes. You may or may not want an open relationship, but it’s still one of those pieces of information that any long-term partner would want to know.

Mixed Signals

I am a 25-year-old man and I am not sure about my gay life. I’m a virgin and I am not “out” to any one. I have my profile on a gay networking site, but I usually turn down requests because I don’t want to have sex yet. I just want friendships, plain and simple. A couple of months ago, an elderly man from Delhi hit on me with his beautiful insights on sex from the holy texts. Knowledge is a turn-on. He confirmed that he only wanted friendship with no exchange of photos or desire to meet me. I called him on his phone number a month ago and he’s given me a lot of advice on getting over my anxieties and finding a good partner. That part of the relationship has been great. But for the past one week, he’s been sending sexual text messages and asking if he can see me in Bangalore. I gave him a flat NO, but he can’t accept my refusal. I do not want to lose him, but can’t still imagine a mere bodily relationship with a man. What should I do?
–I Just Want A Friend

I don’t really give a fuck about what you should do. Your elderly friend from Delhi should run as far away from you as possible and find someone else to hook up with, you manipulative mixed-signal-giving dork. You signed up for a gay dating site (let’s drop the “networking” nonsense), you were turned on by this guy’s “beautiful insights” on sex (and probably told him as much), you’ve been talking with him about how to find a good partner, and now you’re all surprised that he wants to take things further? Boo hoo. This might come as a shock to you, but it’s totally possible to have a friendship with someone and simultaneously have a romantic relationship with him, too. It’s not an either/or proposition, kid. If you really don’t want to start something up with this guy, be upfront with him and then end the friendship. You’ve done too much damage already for this to be salvageable.