Right-Hand Man

I am an 18 –year-old boy in my second year of college. I am very much addicted to porn and masturbation. I feel an uncontrollable attraction to females. I want to get rid of these habits because they are greatly affecting my academic performance, which is making me frustrated and anxious. Please help me to overcome my addiction.
–A Student

Yo, homeslice. If your self-love is causing you to screw up at school, then something is seriously askew. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with masturbation. Like Woody Allen said, it’s sex with someone you love. There’s no better or safer way to figure what turns you on than to do it yourself, I say. I also don’t think that there’s anything particularly wrong with porn, either, provided everyone involved is a consenting adult. (Many people disagree would disagree with that opinion, but whatever, it’s my column.)

However, nothing as banal as jerking off should be getting in the way of living your ordinary life—studying, going to work, having sex with your partner, etc. That’s like saying video games are ruining your life. It’s definitely possible, but it’s also stupid. If your porno proclivities are interfering with having a functional, day-to-day life, then my advice is to just stop for a while. Give yourself a one-month break from hand-love. See if it makes a difference. After the break is over, limit your porn viewing to once a week and try to be strict about it. Oh, and by the way, if your grades still suck during the one-month break, then you’re clearly doing something else wrong.

This Fetish Is The Pits!

I am an attractive 21-year-old guy. My problem is that I love armpits—mostly women’s, but occasionally men’s. No other part of the body attracts me other then this. Is this normal? How do women react when they see a man’s armpit?
–Armpit Lover

Is it normal to be exclusively attracted to armpits? No. Does that matter? Not really. As long as your obsession doesn’t make it impossible for you to have sex or forge intimate relationships with others, I don’t think it’s such a big deal. It’s definitely not my bag, but I Googled around and armpit fetishes have a very definite niche in the porn universe (porn-iverse?). So you’re not alone. But remember, no one wants to be reduced to a body part. If you meet a nice man or woman with nice armpits and you see a beautiful future together, don’t base that future exclusively on the pits. And if you want to incorporate pit play (whatever that might be) into your sex life, make sure you’ve established trust between yourself and your partner(s), bring it up gently, express your willingness to continue with more vanilla sexual activities along with your demented armpit games, and see where they stand. And be prepared to accommodate your partner’s sexual kinks into your life as well—it’s a two-way street, after all. Diversity is life, right?

As for how women react when they see a man’s armpit, you’ll just have to ask them. I assume that most women, like most men, don’t have an opinion. By the same token, I’m sure there are a few select women (as there are a few select men) for whom armpits are sexual pay dirt. But your guess is as good as mine.

Teacher’s Pet

I am a guy of 14. I always think of sexing with my teacher’s breasts. I am attracted by the size of her breasts and think a lot about removing her clothes and sexing with her. I also like my other teachers’ sexy bodies and their navels when they wear saris. What should I do to have sex with my teachers?
–Teacher’s Pet

Nothing, pal. There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing, but it’s never going to happen. Take a cold bath, do your homework, and, you know, be 14.