Dealing With Sexual Abuse

I’m a 28-year-old single woman. I was sexually abused by a man my family trusted when I was 8 years old. He told me it was a game and that it was our secret. I had no friends at school so it felt good that I had a “friend” to share secrets with. It was only when I was 15 that I realized that what had happened to me was wrong. I thought I was okay and nothing was wrong with me, but I guess I was in denial. Last year I realized that I had many of the symptoms of a child abuse victim. I suffer from low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence. I oscillate between hating sex and craving it and I don’t trust people (especially men). To this day I have not told my parents because I know they would be shattered by it and I cannot do that to them. Only two of my closest friends know. I have joined an online support group and have been working on healing. I have painfully and slowly made some progress. But there is still a long way to go.

My parents have been looking out for a groom for me for quite some time and now I’ve begun to communicate with one guy they’ve found. I’m confused about whether I should tell him about what happened. If so, then at what stage of this process do I tell him? I don’t want to share my biggest secret unless I’m completely sure that this is the guy I’m going to marry. There are moments when I wonder if I should tell him at all, but that would be unfair to him. Any advice?
–Trying To Heal

First of all, let me congratulate you on how you’ve been handling this. Childhood sexual abuse, particularly when one is a child, is one of the most traumatic violations that can happen to a person, and you’re facing the process of healing with tremendous strength and courage.

As for the issue of disclosing this abuse to your loved ones, I don’t have any easy answers for you because this just isn’t an easy situation. I think you’re absolutely right that your future spouse should know about the abuse and what you’re doing to address it, but it might not be a good idea to tell him before telling your parents. You obviously know all the players in this much better than I do, but you might be surprised by your parents’ reactions—they might not be as shattered as you anticipate, and ultimately, you shouldn’t have to face the healing process alone. Also, you might want to think long and hard about whether you’re really ready for marriage, particularly an arranged marriage.

I guess my real advice is to talk to your online support group about the best course of action. The other members of the group probably have some experience in dealing with the issue of disclosure and they can help you see all the options. I would also recommend giving the good folks at the Center for Counselling a call. CFC is a therapy and counseling organization based in Chennai, and the people there have a lot of experience in helping survivors of sexual trauma. Check out the website and see if you can get in touch with them. Good luck, and keep me updated on how everything goes.

Talking About BDSM

I really want to become a slave to a man or a woman. I love to get whippings and slappings. Is this normal?
–Slaving Away

Ah, BDSM. (That’s “bondage-domination-sadism-masochism”, for the uninitiated.) One of those desires that dare not speak its own name, particularly in India. It’s funny how in the last few years so many issues that queer individuals face have become part of the public discourse in India, but the question of power as a site of performance and pleasure in sexual relationships never seems to be discussed in any serious way. So let me get down to brass tacks for all you gentle readers before answering the letter at hand. Subs, dommes, tops, bottoms, BDSM, dominance and submission, fetish, kink, leather, S&M: these are all catchwords that describe a thriving sexual subculture in the West and parts of Asia, a community with its own rules, protocols of practice, and place within the queer rainbow. BDSM refers to a broad range of eroticized activities—sometimes sexual, sometimes not—that involve the explicitly unequal power relations and roles. I’m sure all of you have heard of people wanting to be tied up, handcuffed, or spanked by a partner or partners during sex. This is the stereotypical image of BDSM practice, but in reality the practice can include anything and everything from mind games, whippings, eroticized ritual humiliation, sexual role-playing, costumes, even plain old vanilla sex that involves a conscious element of power play. A lot of people say they were born with this desire—born as a dominant or submissive—and others say they developed a yen for this particular sexual activity over time. Some people refer to themselves as “switches”–that is, able to switch between being a dominant and a submissive–and others feel that their orientation is pretty much set in stone. Some folks in the scene only want to experience power play during sexual activity, some of them want it as a whole lifestyle. As with every other sexual and gender identity, BDSM folks span the spectrum of desire.

A lot of people on the outside view BDSM activities as violent or fundamentally unequal, but the most fundamental aspect of this kind of sexual play is consent. I can’t stress it enough. BDSM isn’t violent, it’s a consensually agreed-upon, ritualized performance of inequality. That is to say, the performance of dominance and submission in the erotic realm is underpinned by respect and equality between partners. Often partners will get together before embarking on a sexual encounter and work out the rules, boundaries, and expectations of both (or all) participants. The submissive partner is expected to come up with a “safe word” or “safe gesture” to indicate when the dominant partner is to stop the activities taking place—either because the sub no longer feels pleasure, is in pain, or is emotionally overwhelmed. Failure of a dom/top to stop the activity when the sub gives his or her safe word is regarded as a tremendous violation since the sub has effectively withdrawn consent. (And usually, tops/dominants stop experiencing pleasure themselves the minute they feel the submissive partner is no longer enjoying themselves during their interaction. Like I said, this is all about the safe performance and exploration of the boundaries of control and submission, not about actual control and submission.) The primary watchword of the BDSM community is “safe, sane, and consensual”—everybody involved in a BDSM scene, relationship, or long-term lifestyle is expected to respect the boundaries of their partners, engage in sexual activity that is basically safe (even if, as in the example of rope bondage, it appears dangerous on the surface), and be clear about consent.

I guess I’m going into all this detail to answer Slaving Away’s question because BDSM is, in many ways, and area of sexual desire and identity that even many queer people are reluctant to talk openly about. Stereotypes, prejudices, and outright silencing of this voice of sexual desire is all too common, and many people both straight and queer are afraid to come out about this aspect of their sexual desires. So after that long preamble, my response to Slaving Away is this: don’t worry about the question of “normal”. When it comes right down to it, we’re all highly individual in our desires. There’s no need to feel shame. Just make sure with whom you decide to pursue BDSM with respects your boundaries fully, communicates with you easily, plays safe, and doesn’t misuse the gift of your consent.

Safety and Etiquette

I am a 23-year-old girl in the IT field. I have lots of boyfriends with whom I indulge in lots of sex. I also watch a lot of porn movies to get inspiration. I often experiment by emulating what they do in those movies. Now I wish to do a position in which two men bang me at the same time, one from the back and the other from the front. I want to know if there is any health risk involved with doing this. And is it as pleasurable as it is made out be in those porn films?
–An Experimenter

I can’t answer the question of whether your proposed sexual encounter is will be as pleasurable as it looks in porn because the experience of pleasure is a highly individual thing. You may find you love being with two guys at once, or that you hate it, or that you’re totally neutral about the whole thing. Who’s to say? But as far as health risks go, it’s very important for you to be both physically and emotionally safe. Have a conversation with both men ahead of time about your boundaries, expectations, and a safe word that that all three of you know and can use in case one of you wants to stop the action at any point. Pick men that you know and trust, not just random dudes from the office. All of this pre-talk might sound like a buzz-kill, but it’s vitally important if you want to protect yourself. The fact of the matter is that you’re going to be having sex with two guys, both of whom will be bigger and stronger than you, and you have to make sure that they respect you and your boundaries and are not just a bunch of jerks in order for this to be a safe and pleasurable experience. And, of course, use condoms!