Opening Up

I am currently in an open relationship and both my partner and I find it immensely satisfying. We are best friends of the quintessential “call up at 4 am about anything” kind. We can turn to each other for anything we need, physically and emotionally. I thank the fates every day for bringing this wonderful, beautiful woman into my life. We connect so well that people often comment that we are exact duplicates of each other. We love each other, but not in the traditional sense–rather in a ‘best buds’ kind of way. We enjoy our intimacy and our mutual desire for one another, but we both have a very healthy sex drive and do not limit ourselves. We both sex outside our relationship. It’s all well and good, and we have a nice, cozy arrangement in place.

What could possibly be the problem? Recently her parents found out about this arrangement of ours, on account of family friends of hers who had no business poking their nose into our affairs. While her parents are fairly liberal in matters of love and sex, they have expressed strong misgivings about the kind of relationship their daughter and I have. Me? I don’t give a damn about what anyone thinks of my personal life. But my partner is very close to her parents and wants them to approve of our relationship. She has convinced her parents to have a sit-down with both of us and talk things over. I can see her parents’ point of view—I guess they want to make sure that I don’t hurt their “little girl” in any way. But I’m also terribly flustered at the thought of discussing our relationship with them. I’ve never met them before and, quite frankly, I don’t know what I could possibly say to them to make them feel better about this. Her parents live in Hyderabad and they are coming down to Chennai in a couple of weeks to meet with us. I’m usually a big fan of the “be yourself” model of living, but I’m not entirely sure that being myself is such a good idea in this particular case. Any suggestions as to how I should go about this?
–Being Myself Could Cause Trouble

I have to say, it’s rare for me to get letters where it truly seems like everyone involved has the best of intentions and is approaching the situation with maturity and grace. You and your partner seem to have a lot of mutual respect and her parents also appear to be willing to at least try to understand their daughter’s relationship decisions. When everyone is coming to the table as caring adults and not hysterical, judgmental harpies, then I think it’s safe to say that half the battle has already been won. Way to go, letter-writer.

That being said, you and your partner both have to acknowledge the limits of what reasonable discussion accomplish. It’s very clear from your letter that the two of you have a healthy and trusting relationship and that you figured out how to the non-exclusivity thing really well. However, it’s also natural for people who care about you both to be concerned—open relationships are not the most common romantic arrangement, and realizing that your child has a loving, romantic partnership that isn’t sexually exclusive can be a very disconcerting thing. My advice? I think your partner should have this pow-wow with her parents alone. As it is, they’re going to feel discombobulated and wrong-footed about the whole thing discussion, and it’s best not to add to their confusion by asking them to meet the man behind the myth before they’ve even had a chance to digest the particular ins-and-outs (so to speak) of your relationship. Also, these are her parents, not yours, and if she cares so much about their approval then she needs to take responsibility for seeing that she has it. I would also advise you two to be patient and not get your expectations too high; this kind of disclosure can take a long time to settle in, and her parents are not going to be accepting and happy-go-lucky about this after just one sit-down. Getting them to accept and approve of your relationship is going to require a whole series of conversations, and the more easygoing you both are about this, the more likely it is that the ‘rents feel reassured. I highly recommend checking out the message boards at the website Opening Up for more advice on handling families as part of an open relationship. (Opening Up is a support and resource website for people in non-monogamous relationships, run by sex columnist, writer, and sex education Tristan Taormino.)
On a final note, you mentioned that your partner’s parents found out about your relationship through nosy family friends? Do you mind my asking how exactly the family friends got in the loop? The only reason why I’m wondering is because it’s just possible your partner told them about it. If that’s the case, then I suggest have an honest conversation with her about how you’re both feeling about the non-monogamous nature of your relationship. If indeed your partner did tell them, it’s entirely possible that your she was seeking their approval or their advice, and that she might not be feeling as positive about your relationship as you do. I don’t at all doubt the sincerity of your regard for her, but it’s a good idea to make sure you’re both on the same page before moving forward. Good luck, you crazy cut-ups!

Fancy Footwork

I am 40 years old and my girlfriend is 35. We have been together for five years and both of us are happy and engaged to be married. About six months ago I saw a film in which the heroine had a beautiful pair of feet. That same night I kissed my fiancée’s feet when we were having sex. This slowly became a part of our regular sexual routine—I chew all of her toes and lick the sides. Once this even led to anal sex.  I find that I take immense pleasure in both of this acts and I thought things were going well, but what I didn’t realize was that my fiancée was not enjoying any of this. She began to discourage me with regards to both acts. She has openly declined from participating, saying that she is not a whore and that I have psychological problems. We have now started becoming distant from each other. Last week we started talking about staying in separate bedrooms. At this age it is too late for us to get married to other people, and anyway, we both still love each other. Please tell me what to do.
–Problems With Feet

It’s not often that I’m stumped by a letter, but this one’s really got me. On the one hand, if you have a fetish for feet (which is much more common than most people would believe) and you really need some footwork in your sexual life in order to be satisfied, then you and your partner should try to accommodate each other. And it’s really unfair to call someone’s fetish a psychological problem, especially something as harmless as a thing for feet. However, your letter has left some ellipses in the story. First off, are you treating your girlfriend’s feet well? Getting your toes chewed doesn’t sound all that pleasant. Second of all, did you ever actually sit down with her and discuss your desire to explore foot worship? It sounds like you kind of sprang it on her without asking her if she’s okay with it first. And finally, how on earth does a foot fetish “lead” to anal sex? Those two things are not necessarily connected except by the fact that they’re both sexual acts. Did you ask her if she was okay having anal sex? If you didn’t perform these basic courtesies, then I can see how she would feel a bit used at the end of all of this. Of course, she didn’t have to silently go along with everything—she could have spoken up at the appropriate moment instead of letting the resentment build up over time. But that’s neither here nor there. So what it comes down to is that you both bear some share of the responsibility for things being the way they are.

I don’t think this is an irrecoverable situation, but both of you need to come to the table and be grown ups.  Sit down and have a real conversation about what’s been going on: what you expect sexually, what she expects, and where you can compromise. You both may find that you’re actually not sexually compatible at the end of this and want to end things, but that’s not necessarily the worst outcome in the world. Neither of you are too old to find new partners.

Love And Marriage

I am a married man. My wife left me one year ago and we are not in touch. We are in the process of finalizing our divorce but this process going to take a lot of time. Can you please tell me how I can get a girl who will wait for me to get my divorce and marry me when the process is done? She has to stay with me starting now. I really need someone because I am very alone. Please help.
–Waiting For The Papers

I wish I could do something to help you but I don’t exactly have a list of available women who satisfy your conditions sitting around. It’s definitely tough to go through a divorce and I understand how lonely the process can be. Breakups are always difficult. However, you’re not going to be able make yourself feel better by finding a new girlfriend, at least not in the long run. First of all, many people are understandably reluctant to get involved with men or women who are going through a divorce. People who are in the process of finalizing a divorce often carry a lot of emotional baggage that a new girlfriend or boyfriend may not feel equipped to deal with. And it’s not realistic to expect someone to jump right into a relationship with you before the separation is even complete—whoever it is you eventually start dating is going to have needs and expectations of her own, and supporting you through the breakup of your marriage may not be high on her list of priorities. It certainly wouldn’t be on mine.

My advice? Start therapy if you can, and more than anything else, try to get comfortable with the fact of being alone. Not to get philosophical on you, but there’s great value in being alone for a while. I know it seems like an abyss: making your meals and eating them by yourself, coming home to an empty house, trying to fill your weekends with activities. It’s daunting. However, it can also be a really important time to process the breakup of your marriage and come to peace with it without the distraction of a new relationship—and distraction is all a girlfriend would be at this point. Take the vacation you always wanted to take, read the books you haven’t gotten around to yet. Organize your time the way you want to. Enjoy the silence and the peace of being on your own. And when you’ve had your fill of all that, then start the process of meeting new people and searching for a relationship. What you find at the end of that road will be a lot more meaningful than anything you jump into right now out of fear and loneliness, and you’ll have a lot more to give to your new partner, emotionally speaking. Good luck.

Scared To Ask

I am a 15-year-old lesbian. I love a girl who is a class senior to me. The girl doesn’t know about me. How do I approach her? I really love her and I think she likes me, but I am dead scared to talk to her about it.
–Scared To Ask

If I were anywhere else in the world, I would tell you to go for it and let her how you feel. Maybe she’ll reciprocate. But this is India, where even lesbian-identified women who are of age can find themselves thrown out of school, placed under house arrest by their families, forced into marriage (possibly to some joker like the guy in the letter above), thrown into jail, or involuntarily committed to psychiatric care for expressing their desire for other women. You’re not legally an adult, so the risks are even greater for you. Now, I have no idea what your family or her family is like. Maybe everyone is loving and supportive or maybe they’re all monsters. Who’s to say? But I’ll tell you this: you do not want to have the full machinery of family pressure, social censure, and state-sanctioned collusion crashing down on your head at this time. You’re too young and vulnerable. Don’t tell this girl about your feelings right now.

Instead, I suggest you get in touch with a good therapist or one of the counselors at an LGBTQ support organization. Sangama, in Bangalore, is a great place to start. Talk through your options with them and start building a support network for yourself. Nothing is ever accomplished by being hasty, so make a plan for finishing your education and becoming financially independent as soon as possible. At least then you’ll have resources you can access when you’re an adult and your parents hit the roof about you being a lesbian. It’s a tough world we live in and you’ve gotta be savvy if you want to get through it reasonably unscathed. Don’t get carried away by your feelings in the moment and start planning for your future as a strong, proud lesbian woman. Good luck!

Slipping Into A Wormhole

I’m a 17-year-old girl from Kerala. I have a friend on Orkut who is a few years older than me. He is one of my best friends on Orkut and in real life, even though we’ve never met each other. When I’m talking with him, I feel the presence of a close friend, but when we’re not talking I start thinking that maybe I’m in love with him. During direct communications we act like good friends, but inside my heart I feel a special kind of attachment towards him that may be love. I don’t know that whether he loves me or not. He doesn’t have a girlfriend and he sometimes says that he would like to meet me in person. Even if there was something romantic there, there would problems because we are from two different religions. So I don’t think it would be a successful love. But still I love him. I already said that this love feels like a good friendship when I’m talking to him on the phone, and that’s why I can’t say about it to him. If he loves me then what should I do? Our love would not be a success story. How do I know whether he loves me or not? Or maybe you could give me a good suggestion to control my mind because I’m always thinking about him when I’m studying, eating, walking… even in my dreams. What do I do?
–Is This Love Or Not?

Jesus, what a hot mess this letter is. “I love him when I’m not talking to him, I can’t get him out of my mind but we’re only friends when we talk, I want him to love me but our religions would make our relationship unsuccessful, I hope he doesn’t love me, actually I hope he does love me,” and so on. As I was reading it I could feel myself slipping into a wormhole in the time-space continuum and slowly losing my grip on reality: When I came to, I found the stone tablet broken on the floor and my chisel stabbed into my cheek. Thanks a bunch.

First off, I don’t see what the religious question has to do with anything unless you happen to be some kind of fundamentalist or you think your folks would give you hell for dating outside the tribe. Let go of that nonsense. That said, who cares whether he loves you or not? Who cares whether you love him or not? You’ve never even met before, so what you’re feeling isn’t love anyway. It’s silly, 17-year-old infatuation. It’s as ridiculous as claiming you’ve fallen in love with a movie star. If the knowledge that you’re being a melodramatic adolescent doesn’t help “control your mind” and snap you out of it, I don’t know what will.