What could possibly be the problem? Recently her parents found out about this arrangement of ours, on account of family friends of hers who had no business poking their nose into our affairs. While her parents are fairly liberal in matters of love and sex, they have expressed strong misgivings about the kind of relationship their daughter and I have. Me? I don’t give a damn about what anyone thinks of my personal life. But my partner is very close to her parents and wants them to approve of our relationship. She has convinced her parents to have a sit-down with both of us and talk things over. I can see her parents’ point of view—I guess they want to make sure that I don’t hurt their “little girl” in any way. But I’m also terribly flustered at the thought of discussing our relationship with them. I’ve never met them before and, quite frankly, I don’t know what I could possibly say to them to make them feel better about this. Her parents live in Hyderabad and they are coming down to Chennai in a couple of weeks to meet with us. I’m usually a big fan of the “be yourself” model of living, but I’m not entirely sure that being myself is such a good idea in this particular case. Any suggestions as to how I should go about this?
–Being Myself Could Cause Trouble

I have to say, it’s rare for me to get letters where it truly seems like everyone involved has the best of intentions and is approaching the situation with maturity and grace. You and your partner seem to have a lot of mutual respect and her parents also appear to be willing to at least try to understand their daughter’s relationship decisions. When everyone is coming to the table as caring adults and not hysterical, judgmental harpies, then I think it’s safe to say that half the battle has already been won. Way to go, letter-writer.

That being said, you and your partner both have to acknowledge the limits of what reasonable discussion accomplish. It’s very clear from your letter that the two of you have a healthy and trusting relationship and that you figured out how to the non-exclusivity thing really well. However, it’s also natural for people who care about you both to be concerned—open relationships are not the most common romantic arrangement, and realizing that your child has a loving, romantic partnership that isn’t sexually exclusive can be a very disconcerting thing. My advice? I think your partner should have this pow-wow with her parents alone. As it is, they’re going to feel discombobulated and wrong-footed about the whole thing discussion, and it’s best not to add to their confusion by asking them to meet the man behind the myth before they’ve even had a chance to digest the particular ins-and-outs (so to speak) of your relationship. Also, these are her parents, not yours, and if she cares so much about their approval then she needs to take responsibility for seeing that she has it. I would also advise you two to be patient and not get your expectations too high; this kind of disclosure can take a long time to settle in, and her parents are not going to be accepting and happy-go-lucky about this after just one sit-down. Getting them to accept and approve of your relationship is going to require a whole series of conversations, and the more easygoing you both are about this, the more likely it is that the ‘rents feel reassured. I highly recommend checking out the message boards at the website Opening Up for more advice on handling families as part of an open relationship. (Opening Up is a support and resource website for people in non-monogamous relationships, run by sex columnist, writer, and sex education Tristan Taormino.)
On a final note, you mentioned that your partner’s parents found out about your relationship through nosy family friends? Do you mind my asking how exactly the family friends got in the loop? The only reason why I’m wondering is because it’s just possible your partner told them about it. If that’s the case, then I suggest have an honest conversation with her about how you’re both feeling about the non-monogamous nature of your relationship. If indeed your partner did tell them, it’s entirely possible that your she was seeking their approval or their advice, and that she might not be feeling as positive about your relationship as you do. I don’t at all doubt the sincerity of your regard for her, but it’s a good idea to make sure you’re both on the same page before moving forward. Good luck, you crazy cut-ups!

You don’t know, my inquiring young friend. That’s kind of the point: virginity is irrelevant. The traditional evidence that a woman is a virgin is the presence of the hymen, a piece of membrane that covers the external opening of the vagina. The hymen tears during a woman’s first sexual intercourse; hence, the tradition in many conservative religious families of displaying the bloody sheets after a newly-married couple has consummated their relationship for the first time. However, there are innumerable ways for a woman’s hymen to tear before she’s ever had intercourse—during sports activities, using a tampon, random jostling—and some women aren’t even born with a hymen. There are also endless ways to fake the first bleeding (inserting a pouch of goat’s blood being among the more gross methods), and with the popularity of hymen-reconstruction surgery on the surge in Europe, there’s just no way of knowing what the hymen even means anymore. (I point you to the 2006 case in France where a Muslim man had his marriage to a Muslim woman annulled the next day because he discovered she was not really the virgin she claimed to be before the wedding. This court decision was initially supported by France’s justice minister—a Muslim woman– and sparked a wave of requests in hymen-reconstruction surgeries in Europe.)

All this just goes to show that virginity isn’t really important and it’s damn near impossible to prove anyway. Honestly, why do you care? So what if your girlfriend may have had premarital sex? If she’s lying, it’s probably because she correctly suspects that you’re the kind of dude who’d freak out about it, which is totally lame on your part. If she’s telling the truth, well, there it is. I haven’t noticed any great assertions of virginity on your part, so why does it matter if she’s one or not? All I can say is, be cool.

As for your other concern, girl, are you nuts? Let me just ask you this simple question: if your mother or father made a habit of walking around the house with their dangly bits waving around, wouldn’t you feel a little, I don’t know, weird about the whole thing? Especially after you’d hit adolescence? There’s a reason why parents and children are supposed to maintain sexual distance, and it’s because you start getting into very creepy territory when you close that gap. Parents should definitely talk to their children about sex in an honest and non-judgmental way by providing information, answering questions, and being supportive of their kids, but I guarantee you that no child ever wants to hear or know about the down-and-dirty details of their parents’ sex life. Instilling a healthy respect for sex and the body is very different from actually parading your noodles around. Your husband is asking you to make your child an unwilling and non-consenting observer of your sexual activities, and saying it’s for his own good is completely disingenuous. If your husband wants you to make the rotis in the buff when no one else is around, more power to the both of you. But when your kid is in the house? That’s a definite no go.

As for your other concern, girl, are you nuts? Let me just ask you this simple question: if your mother or father made a habit of walking around the house with their dangly bits waving around, wouldn’t you feel a little, I don’t know, weird about the whole thing? Especially after you’d hit adolescence? There’s a reason why parents and children are supposed to maintain sexual distance, and it’s because you start getting into very creepy territory when you close that gap. Parents should definitely talk to their children about sex in an honest and non-judgmental way by providing information, answering questions, and being supportive of their kids, but I guarantee you that no child ever wants to hear or know about the down-and-dirty details of their parents’ sex life. Instilling a healthy respect for sex and the body is very different from actually parading your noodles around. Your husband is asking you to make your child an unwilling and non-consenting observer of your sexual activities, and saying it’s for his own good is completely disingenuous. If your husband wants you to make the rotis in the buff when no one else is around, more power to the both of you. But when your kid is in the house? That’s a definite no go.

Excellent question, grasshopper. It’s absolutely true, I don’t print very many questions from lesbian and bisexual women, primarily because I don’t get very many questions from lesbian and bisexual women. A good ninety percent of the e-mails I get are from men. I’ve wondered about this for a while, and my feeling is that despite the fact that I promise anonymity for all letter-writers, most women are simply too uncomfortable to send even a confidential letter to my column. And with good reason—if a woman sends me a letter about her sex life, she’s taking much more of a risk than a man. The consequences for a woman admitting to not always having pure, heterosexual thoughts and desires are far graver than for men, and I think the fear of being judged and punished is so ingrained in women that very little can make us feel safe.

So let me put this out there for all you women readers, particularly the lesbian and bisexual ones: your letters are safe with me. I do not reveal names, I usually try to remove all identifying markers from letters, and I will never show your letter or share your contact information with anyone else. I invite your letters and I will do everything I can to represent your concerns in the column. Also, I invite all my women readers to weigh in: why do you think that women don’t send in questions as frequently as men? Send in your responses and I’ll print them in next week’s column.

Yes, they do. Next, please.

What could possibly be the problem? Recently her parents found out about this arrangement of ours, on account of family friends of hers who had no business poking their nose into our affairs. While her parents are fairly liberal in matters of love and sex, they have expressed strong misgivings about the kind of relationship their daughter and I have. Me? I don’t give a damn about what anyone thinks of my personal life. But my partner is very close to her parents and wants them to approve of our relationship. She has convinced her parents to have a sit-down with both of us and talk things over. I can see her parents’ point of view—I guess they want to make sure that I don’t hurt their “little girl” in any way. But I’m also terribly flustered at the thought of discussing our relationship with them. I’ve never met them before and, quite frankly, I don’t know what I could possibly say to them to make them feel better about this. Her parents live in Hyderabad and they are coming down to Chennai in a couple of weeks to meet with us. I’m usually a big fan of the “be yourself” model of living, but I’m not entirely sure that being myself is such a good idea in this particular case. Any suggestions as to how I should go about this?
–Being Myself Could Cause Trouble

I have to say, it’s rare for me to get letters where it truly seems like everyone involved has the best of intentions and is approaching the situation with maturity and grace. You and your partner seem to have a lot of mutual respect and her parents also appear to be willing to at least try to understand their daughter’s relationship decisions. When everyone is coming to the table as caring adults and not hysterical, judgmental harpies, then I think it’s safe to say that half the battle has already been won. Way to go, letter-writer.

That being said, you and your partner both have to acknowledge the limits of what reasonable discussion accomplish. It’s very clear from your letter that the two of you have a healthy and trusting relationship and that you figured out how to the non-exclusivity thing really well. However, it’s also natural for people who care about you both to be concerned—open relationships are not the most common romantic arrangement, and realizing that your child has a loving, romantic partnership that isn’t sexually exclusive can be a very disconcerting thing. My advice? I think your partner should have this pow-wow with her parents alone. As it is, they’re going to feel discombobulated and wrong-footed about the whole thing discussion, and it’s best not to add to their confusion by asking them to meet the man behind the myth before they’ve even had a chance to digest the particular ins-and-outs (so to speak) of your relationship. Also, these are her parents, not yours, and if she cares so much about their approval then she needs to take responsibility for seeing that she has it. I would also advise you two to be patient and not get your expectations too high; this kind of disclosure can take a long time to settle in, and her parents are not going to be accepting and happy-go-lucky about this after just one sit-down. Getting them to accept and approve of your relationship is going to require a whole series of conversations, and the more easygoing you both are about this, the more likely it is that the ‘rents feel reassured.
On a final note, you mentioned that your partner’s parents found out about your relationship through nosy family friends? Do you mind my asking how exactly the family friends got in the loop? The only reason why I’m wondering is because it’s just possible your partner told them about it. If that’s the case, then I suggest have an honest conversation with her about how you’re both feeling about the non-monogamous nature of your relationship. If indeed your partner did tell them, it’s entirely possible that your she was seeking their approval or their advice, and that she might not be feeling as positive about your relationship as you do. I don’t at all doubt the sincerity of your regard for her, but it’s a good idea to make sure you’re both on the same page before moving forward. Good luck, you crazy cut-ups!

I feel you, girl. I know a lot of straight women who dig lesbian porn, and the whole thing can be very confusing, both personally and politically. I’ve thought about this issue a lot (as have many other feminist thinkers far more learned than yours truly), and my feeling about the “lesbian” porn you find on the Internet is that it’s not really about lesbianism or same-sex desire at all. That particular brand of porn is all about women performing a simulacrum of lesbian desire for an assumed-to-be heterosexual male audience. (Of course, a lot of the audience is actually female—in much the same way that the real audience of the now-defunct Playgirl magazine was not straight women, but gay men. But I digress.) The point is, I think a lot of the directors and producers of porn assume that straight men want nothing more than to see lots and lots of naked girls prancing around—if one is good, then two (or more) is even better. And if those two girls happen to be making out, well, that’s just part of the game, too. The implicit assumption is that they’re not kissing because they’re really attracted to each other (‘cause that would be, you know, too gay), but because they’re both so into sex that they’d do it with anything that moves, even someone of the same gender. “Girl-on-girl” porn is such a crazy mix of homophobia and queer performance that it’s hard to know what to think.

But for what it’s worth, here’s what I think: while there’s something disturbing about the way lesbian desire has been defanged and commodified for straight consumption, there’s also no reason why anyone should have to apologize for what turns them on. Provided that a person’s taste in smut doesn’t include incest, pedophilia, or bestiality, I don’t think it’s at all productive to ask an individual to account for what turns their crank. If you like lesbian porn, then you like it. It’s really as simple as that. I wouldn’t worry too much about whether that makes you bisexual—and even if it did, there’s nothing wrong with that, either. Just one thing: if you find yourself becoming attracted to women in real life, don’t beat yourself up about it. Just go with it.

My brother has been quite lonely and he has been fighting this battle alone for a long time. It has affected his work many times. Now he wants to find a partner, and he wants all of us to accept him and get to know him for who he really is. I do have to say, ours is a very close-knit and liberal south Indian family—we’ve even had inter-caste and international marriages. We always support each other and everyone adores my brother. However, I don’t think my family members are liberal enough to accept that my brother is gay. It would be so shocking for everybody!

I don’t know how to handle this whole situation. I want the best for my brother but I also don’t want my parents to suffer. They love us both a lot and they’ve done a lot for us. It’s just not possible to tell them. They’re very naïve and this would affect them badly, both socially and emotionally. So right now we’re all just ignoring this issue and muddling through. My parents tell people that my brother will marry when he wants to. However, I know that one day or the other we will have to deal with this situation.  I just don’t know how.  And please don’t tell me that I have to sit down with my parents and explain what’s going on.  I seriously think they would have a heart attack.

I read somewhere that homosexuality is not genetic—it’s the environmental factors at childhood that are responsible. I’ve also read that it’s possible to change with psychiatric intervention. Is this true? Should I tell my brother about this possibility?

What should I do? I really hope I will get a sense of direction from your reply.
–A Confused Sister

I think you need to focus less on what to do about your parents, and focus more on being a supportive presence for your brother. The fact is, your brother is the only person who can make the decision about disclosing his orientation to your folks. If you step in and do it for him, you’ll be committing a terrible breach of trust. He’s entrusted you with this information because he knows you support him, and I have no doubt he’s equally capable of deciding whether there’ll ever be a good time to tell your parents. He’s the one who’ll be dealing with the fallout of coming out, so he should be the one to decide when to do it. Not you. So don’t sweat it. If you really think your parents will never be able to handle it, then you’re certainly free to communicate that opinion to your brother, but it’s ultimately his choice to make.

But I have to say, I do understand your confusion. It’s very hard to keep secrets from your loved ones, especially on behalf of someone else. Your taking on a big emotional responsibility and that’s a tough thing to do. And I’m very impressed by the level of care and compassion you have for your sibling. He’s lucky to have you and your husband, and the best thing you can do for him is to continue to be supportive without judging him.  It’s precisely the support of an encouraging relative or friend that can prevent a young queer person from falling into despair, growing desperate with loneliness, or making really stupid mistakes.  Your presence is invaluable here and you can really use this as an opportunity to know your brother better and develop a closer relationship with him. I highly suggest that the both of you check out the website Orinam. It’s a support and resource website in Tamil and English for young queer people and their families. You’ll find a lot of advice and guidance there.

As for this issue of “changing” someone’s sexual orientation through psychiatric therapy, it’s been proven that these methods don’t work because being gay or lesbian is not a disorder or pathology—psychiatric intervention doesn’t work because there’s no problem to fix.  In fact, the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-I) in 1973. As further support, the APA, the American Psychological Association, the American Counseling Association, the General Assembly of the Norwegian Psychiatric Association, the Royal College of Psychiatrists in the UK, the Australian and New Zealand College of Psychiatrists, and the German Parliament have all denounced conversion therapy as unethical and stated that same-sex desire is not a mental disorder. All of these organizations strongly suggest that practitioners do not refer clients to conversion therapists. Heck, even the Chinese Classification of Mental Disorders (CCMD—III) has declassified homosexuality as a mental disorder. Conversion therapy carries strong risks for undermining the emotional health of queer individuals and perpetuating self-harming behavior by encouraging individuals to reject this foundational aspect of their selfhood, and the therapy also encourages the continued societal stigmatization of queer people as mentally disturbed and ill.

The reason why I’m going into so much detail is because I get a lot of letters from people asking about psychiatric therapy to change sexual orientation and it seems like there is a tremendous amount of misinformation floating around out there on this subject. So let me come down on this once and for all: conversion therapy is unethical and damaging to individuals and communities. Any doctor or therapist who tells you otherwise is selling you a bunch of bunkum. Confused Sister: attempting to get your brother to “convert” to heterosexuality will only undermine his sense of identity, fuel into possible feelings of self-hatred and anxiety, and prevent him from being a strong, proud adult. Don’t go there.