Talking About BDSM

I really want to become a slave to a man or a woman. I love to get whippings and slappings. Is this normal?
–Slaving Away

Ah, BDSM. (That’s “bondage-domination-sadism-masochism”, for the uninitiated.) One of those desires that dare not speak its own name, particularly in India. It’s funny how in the last few years so many issues that queer individuals face have become part of the public discourse in India, but the question of power as a site of performance and pleasure in sexual relationships never seems to be discussed in any serious way. So let me get down to brass tacks for all you gentle readers before answering the letter at hand. Subs, dommes, tops, bottoms, BDSM, dominance and submission, fetish, kink, leather, S&M: these are all catchwords that describe a thriving sexual subculture in the West and parts of Asia, a community with its own rules, protocols of practice, and place within the queer rainbow. BDSM refers to a broad range of eroticized activities—sometimes sexual, sometimes not—that involve the explicitly unequal power relations and roles. I’m sure all of you have heard of people wanting to be tied up, handcuffed, or spanked by a partner or partners during sex. This is the stereotypical image of BDSM practice, but in reality the practice can include anything and everything from mind games, whippings, eroticized ritual humiliation, sexual role-playing, costumes, even plain old vanilla sex that involves a conscious element of power play. A lot of people say they were born with this desire—born as a dominant or submissive—and others say they developed a yen for this particular sexual activity over time. Some people refer to themselves as “switches”–that is, able to switch between being a dominant and a submissive–and others feel that their orientation is pretty much set in stone. Some folks in the scene only want to experience power play during sexual activity, some of them want it as a whole lifestyle. As with every other sexual and gender identity, BDSM folks span the spectrum of desire.

A lot of people on the outside view BDSM activities as violent or fundamentally unequal, but the most fundamental aspect of this kind of sexual play is consent. I can’t stress it enough. BDSM isn’t violent, it’s a consensually agreed-upon, ritualized performance of inequality. That is to say, the performance of dominance and submission in the erotic realm is underpinned by respect and equality between partners. Often partners will get together before embarking on a sexual encounter and work out the rules, boundaries, and expectations of both (or all) participants. The submissive partner is expected to come up with a “safe word” or “safe gesture” to indicate when the dominant partner is to stop the activities taking place—either because the sub no longer feels pleasure, is in pain, or is emotionally overwhelmed. Failure of a dom/top to stop the activity when the sub gives his or her safe word is regarded as a tremendous violation since the sub has effectively withdrawn consent. (And usually, tops/dominants stop experiencing pleasure themselves the minute they feel the submissive partner is no longer enjoying themselves during their interaction. Like I said, this is all about the safe performance and exploration of the boundaries of control and submission, not about actual control and submission.) The primary watchword of the BDSM community is “safe, sane, and consensual”—everybody involved in a BDSM scene, relationship, or long-term lifestyle is expected to respect the boundaries of their partners, engage in sexual activity that is basically safe (even if, as in the example of rope bondage, it appears dangerous on the surface), and be clear about consent.

I guess I’m going into all this detail to answer Slaving Away’s question because BDSM is, in many ways, and area of sexual desire and identity that even many queer people are reluctant to talk openly about. Stereotypes, prejudices, and outright silencing of this voice of sexual desire is all too common, and many people both straight and queer are afraid to come out about this aspect of their sexual desires. So after that long preamble, my response to Slaving Away is this: don’t worry about the question of “normal”. When it comes right down to it, we’re all highly individual in our desires. There’s no need to feel shame. Just make sure with whom you decide to pursue BDSM with respects your boundaries fully, communicates with you easily, plays safe, and doesn’t misuse the gift of your consent.

Cross-dressing With Sis

I’m 20 years old and I have been cross-dressing since for the last seven years. I secretly wear my older sister and mother’s clothes and innerwear. Last year I came out to my sister about my cross-dressing and she was very accepting about it. I want her to dress me up and have fun with it, like we used to do when we were very young. How do I go about that? The very thought of being dressed and made up by a female excites me too much. I’m 100% straight though.
–Anticipating Cross-dresser

Um, I fail to see how being straight affects this conversation, but thanks for informing me. In any case, it’s really great that your sister is so cool with you being a cross-dresser. Bravo. However, I wouldn’t recommend that you ask her to dress you up. Why? Because dressing in women’s clothing is a sexual act for cross-dressers, and it’s not a good idea to involve your siblings (or any relatives) in your sexual life. As you yourself pointed out, the very thought of a woman dressing you up in her clothes is sexually exciting for you. You might as well ask her to jerk you off. Why would your sister want to be involved in helping you get turned on? It shouldn’t be a problem to ask her if you can borrow her clothes and makeup, but don’t ask her to help you dressed on top of that. I see only disaster ahead.

Oh, and be sure to return her clothes and makeup to her in the same condition she gave them. Nothing sucks more lending someone a cute top and getting it back with makeup stains all over it.

Fancy Footwork

I am 40 years old and my girlfriend is 35. We have been together for five years and both of us are happy and engaged to be married. About six months ago I saw a film in which the heroine had a beautiful pair of feet. That same night I kissed my fiancée’s feet when we were having sex. This slowly became a part of our regular sexual routine—I chew all of her toes and lick the sides. Once this even led to anal sex.  I find that I take immense pleasure in both of this acts and I thought things were going well, but what I didn’t realize was that my fiancée was not enjoying any of this. She began to discourage me with regards to both acts. She has openly declined from participating, saying that she is not a whore and that I have psychological problems. We have now started becoming distant from each other. Last week we started talking about staying in separate bedrooms. At this age it is too late for us to get married to other people, and anyway, we both still love each other. Please tell me what to do.
–Problems With Feet

It’s not often that I’m stumped by a letter, but this one’s really got me. On the one hand, if you have a fetish for feet (which is much more common than most people would believe) and you really need some footwork in your sexual life in order to be satisfied, then you and your partner should try to accommodate each other. And it’s really unfair to call someone’s fetish a psychological problem, especially something as harmless as a thing for feet. However, your letter has left some ellipses in the story. First off, are you treating your girlfriend’s feet well? Getting your toes chewed doesn’t sound all that pleasant. Second of all, did you ever actually sit down with her and discuss your desire to explore foot worship? It sounds like you kind of sprang it on her without asking her if she’s okay with it first. And finally, how on earth does a foot fetish “lead” to anal sex? Those two things are not necessarily connected except by the fact that they’re both sexual acts. Did you ask her if she was okay having anal sex? If you didn’t perform these basic courtesies, then I can see how she would feel a bit used at the end of all of this. Of course, she didn’t have to silently go along with everything—she could have spoken up at the appropriate moment instead of letting the resentment build up over time. But that’s neither here nor there. So what it comes down to is that you both bear some share of the responsibility for things being the way they are.

I don’t think this is an irrecoverable situation, but both of you need to come to the table and be grown ups.  Sit down and have a real conversation about what’s been going on: what you expect sexually, what she expects, and where you can compromise. You both may find that you’re actually not sexually compatible at the end of this and want to end things, but that’s not necessarily the worst outcome in the world. Neither of you are too old to find new partners.

Bringing Drag Into The Bedroom

I am a middle-aged man and I have a serious problem. I like to shave and wax myself, wear false breasts, ladies’ inner wear, saris, and makeup before having sex with my wife. I like to play the female role in bed. I want my wife to dress up as a man and make love to me. In short, I want to be the “wife”, while my actual wife becomes the “husband”. I only want this maybe 20 percent of the time we enjoy sex. For the remaining 80 percent, I am fully happy as the husband. I do not want a permanent reversal of roles. I am not a transsexual. I just want more “masala” in our sex life. I am quite happy as a man, a husband, a father and as a successful person in my career. How can I make my wife understand and cooperate?
–Looking For Some Spice

Um, you tell her. Just talking to your partner about your sexual desires is really not so hard. The challenge is doing it in a way that is respectful of the other person’s boundaries. So my advice is this: sit her down in a calm, private, non-sexual setting and tell her what’s on your mind. Tell her everything you just told me: that this isn’t something you want all the time, that you’re very happy in your marriage, and that your need to explore the boundaries of gender performance does not mean that you are gay or transgender. She may be horrified or she may be delighted. It’s more likely that her response will fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, but either way try to keep things calm. If she agrees to go with this then you have to assure her that you want to start slow and then stay true to your word–start slow. Don’t go right into full-on drag. Start out with some role-playing first—a few encounters where you act like a “woman” and she acts like a “man”. You are, of course, dealing in stereotypes about how men and women are supposed to behave and feel during sex, but those stereotypes are powerful and there can be a very real erotic charge to transgressing them.

Anyway, start off with some role-playing, and then you can work your way up to having sex in drag. And also, don’t look at this as trying to make your wife “cooperate” with you. For you to successfully incorporate this fetish into your sex life, you both need to be willing and happy participants. This means that you need to place as much emphasis on making the fantasy pleasurable for her as on making it pleasurable for yourself. Ask her what she needs to make this fantasy a happy thing for her and how frequently she feels comfortable participating in it. In the best case scenario you’ll both be thrilled with this new aspect of your sexual relationship and it will enable you to bring a more nuanced and mutually fulfilling attitude to your more vanilla sexual escapades. Even if this isn’t the fetish that rocks her world, if you’re kind and considerate about putting it on the table she will hopefully at least be neutral about participating in the whole thing. And don’t forget to ask her about her unspoken fantasies are and how you can bring them into your sex life! Remember, sharing is caring.

Balloony Tunes

My friend and his lovely 22-year-old girlfriend have contracted the disease of balloon fetishism. They both enjoy bursting large and huge rubber balloons with their genitalia while making daily love. During idle hours they also burst balloons. They have developed the habit of purchasing big balloons from the market and bursting them in public. He has disclosed this tendency to me, as he gets sexual pleasure out of bursting balloons and therefore masturbates regularly when his girlfriend is not with him. His girlfriend has also contracted the same disease and is always bursting balloons and masturbating when alone. They have a peculiar habit of talking to the balloons before popping them while admiring their huge shapes and colors. They have also become members of different balloon popping websites that feature videos of naked girls and boys bursting large balloons.

I can see that my friend and his girlfriend are suffering from a typical kind of neurosis called PARAPHILIA, where inanimate objects stand in for sexual issues. It is a NEURO-CHEMICAL IMBALANCE IN BRAIN. I have advised him to meet a psychiatrist. But he feels coy in disclosing this habit with the doctor. Should I recommend that he go for NEURO LINGUISTIC PROGRAMMING (NLP) with a psychiatrist? I think this could be a way for him to come out of this paraphilia disease. I hope this is not a helpless situation, since different types of fetishistic tendencies affect a lot of people across the globe. Most of them do not disclose their fetishism to a psychiatrist, and therefore remain a patient throughout life.

Kindly advise. I wish to play the doctor, if possible.

–Name Withheld For A Genuine Cause

I have officially declared this letter the Greatest Letter Of All Time. Or at least until a better one comes along.

Let’s review, shall we? Our concerned letter-writer decides to write to me on behalf of his “friend” and his “lovely” girlfriend. This “friend” has given the letter-writer many intimate details about his sex life and his odd fetishes, namely popping large balloons before, during, and after sex. The friend even sends the letter-writer off to investigate various websites that feature assorted deviants rubbing balloons all over themselves before popping them. The letter-writer is shocked—shocked!—that his friend would be interested in such shenanigans and decides to do some research into what psychopathology this friend might have and where to get help for it. And at the end of his letter, he adds the one sentence that throws the entire letter into question: “I wish to play the doctor, if possible.”

???

I already had my suspicions that there was no “friend” involved in any of this, but that last sentence just put it over the top, and revealed this letter to be a masterpiece of mendacity and self-deception. But before I get to the task of deconstructing it, let me first do the responsible thing and de-bunk Mr. Name Withheld’s assertions about balloon fetishes and paraphilia. First of all, it’s true that there is a fetish out there about balloons. Balloon fetishists like to call themselves “looners” (ha ha) and generally fall into two categories: those who like popping the balloons during sex and those who don’t. I personally think that as far as fetishes go, balloon are rather amusing and whimsical, provided that you’re not some kind of psycho clown. There are even parties that get organized in New York City on a fairly regular basis for balloon fetishists (man, you can get just about anything in New York), and it all seems rather sweet and silly, not scary and sick. For all those of you reading this, I give my thumbs-up to balloons in the bedroom. Just don’t twist them into any stupid animals.

Second of all, it is also true that the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or the DSM (generally considered the Bible of psychiatric disorders and treatments), lists paraphilia as “recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges or behaviors generally involving (1) nonhuman objects, (2) the suffering or humiliation of oneself or one’s partner, or (3) children or other nonconsenting persons that occur over a period of 6 months, which cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.” That’s all very well and good, but one problem that many psychiatrists (including the well-known sexologist and physician Charles Moser), feel that the diagnosis of paraphilia psychopathologizes sexual desires that are not necessarily indicative of mental illness—for example, the DSM categorizes both pedophilia and bestiality, as well as transvestism and, well, balloon fetishes under paraphilia. I’m sorry, but you can’t put balloons, and kiddie raping under the same category. And lest we forget, masturbation used to fall under the rubric of paraphilia until the 1960s, and homosexuality was its own disease in the DSM until the 1970s. I guess what I mean to say is that using psychiatric guidelines to “diagnose” a sexual desire is always a dangerous game, because those guidelines are often informed by prejudice and bias and can be hugely discriminatory towards larges populations of people. Science, particularly when it comes to sexuality, is rarely neutral or objective because people are rarely neutral and objective.

Okay, on to the letter, of which every sentence merits further examination. This dude has no “friend”, and my guess is that there’s no girlfriend involved, either. He’s writing this letter about himself and himself alone. How do I know this? Well for one thing, people generally don’t reveal the aspects of their sexual lives to their friends in such excruciating detail, particularly if it involves something strange or unusual. Secondly, why would the letter-writer make note of the fact that his friend has a “lovely” girlfriend, but not think to mention that he’s a doctor until the last sentence, especially after spewing all that psychiatric jargon? (The detail about the couple talking to their balloons is especially creepy.) And come on, he wants to “play” the doctor? This perv (and I mean that affectionately) is talking about role-playing in a very serious way. Now, there are two possibilities here. One is that Name Withheld is just some lonely guy with a strange fetish and he concocted this elaborate lie in the hopes that I would contradict the entire jist of his letter and give my approval to popping balloons—which I have done. The other possibility is that homeboy has two simultaneous desires: to rub balloons all over himself and others, and to have some kind of threesome with a friend and the friend’s girlfriend, and he’s hoping to combine these two things into one extravaganza of circus love. Either way, he’s probably popping balloons on his hoo-hoo as we speak. To which I say, go for it, my twisted friend. I mean, really, there’s nothing very wrong with any of your desires here, except your need to cover them up in this crazily jury-rigged lie. But if it makes you feel any better, you’ve definitely got my vote for best letter of the year. Now go forth and pop away.