Opening Up

I am currently in an open relationship and both my partner and I find it immensely satisfying. We are best friends of the quintessential “call up at 4 am about anything” kind. We can turn to each other for anything we need, physically and emotionally. I thank the fates every day for bringing this wonderful, beautiful woman into my life. We connect so well that people often comment that we are exact duplicates of each other. We love each other, but not in the traditional sense–rather in a ‘best buds’ kind of way. We enjoy our intimacy and our mutual desire for one another, but we both have a very healthy sex drive and do not limit ourselves. We both sex outside our relationship. It’s all well and good, and we have a nice, cozy arrangement in place.

What could possibly be the problem? Recently her parents found out about this arrangement of ours, on account of family friends of hers who had no business poking their nose into our affairs. While her parents are fairly liberal in matters of love and sex, they have expressed strong misgivings about the kind of relationship their daughter and I have. Me? I don’t give a damn about what anyone thinks of my personal life. But my partner is very close to her parents and wants them to approve of our relationship. She has convinced her parents to have a sit-down with both of us and talk things over. I can see her parents’ point of view—I guess they want to make sure that I don’t hurt their “little girl” in any way. But I’m also terribly flustered at the thought of discussing our relationship with them. I’ve never met them before and, quite frankly, I don’t know what I could possibly say to them to make them feel better about this. Her parents live in Hyderabad and they are coming down to Chennai in a couple of weeks to meet with us. I’m usually a big fan of the “be yourself” model of living, but I’m not entirely sure that being myself is such a good idea in this particular case. Any suggestions as to how I should go about this?
–Being Myself Could Cause Trouble

I have to say, it’s rare for me to get letters where it truly seems like everyone involved has the best of intentions and is approaching the situation with maturity and grace. You and your partner seem to have a lot of mutual respect and her parents also appear to be willing to at least try to understand their daughter’s relationship decisions. When everyone is coming to the table as caring adults and not hysterical, judgmental harpies, then I think it’s safe to say that half the battle has already been won. Way to go, letter-writer.

That being said, you and your partner both have to acknowledge the limits of what reasonable discussion accomplish. It’s very clear from your letter that the two of you have a healthy and trusting relationship and that you figured out how to the non-exclusivity thing really well. However, it’s also natural for people who care about you both to be concerned—open relationships are not the most common romantic arrangement, and realizing that your child has a loving, romantic partnership that isn’t sexually exclusive can be a very disconcerting thing. My advice? I think your partner should have this pow-wow with her parents alone. As it is, they’re going to feel discombobulated and wrong-footed about the whole thing discussion, and it’s best not to add to their confusion by asking them to meet the man behind the myth before they’ve even had a chance to digest the particular ins-and-outs (so to speak) of your relationship. Also, these are her parents, not yours, and if she cares so much about their approval then she needs to take responsibility for seeing that she has it. I would also advise you two to be patient and not get your expectations too high; this kind of disclosure can take a long time to settle in, and her parents are not going to be accepting and happy-go-lucky about this after just one sit-down. Getting them to accept and approve of your relationship is going to require a whole series of conversations, and the more easygoing you both are about this, the more likely it is that the ‘rents feel reassured. I highly recommend checking out the message boards at the website Opening Up for more advice on handling families as part of an open relationship. (Opening Up is a support and resource website for people in non-monogamous relationships, run by sex columnist, writer, and sex education Tristan Taormino.)
On a final note, you mentioned that your partner’s parents found out about your relationship through nosy family friends? Do you mind my asking how exactly the family friends got in the loop? The only reason why I’m wondering is because it’s just possible your partner told them about it. If that’s the case, then I suggest have an honest conversation with her about how you’re both feeling about the non-monogamous nature of your relationship. If indeed your partner did tell them, it’s entirely possible that your she was seeking their approval or their advice, and that she might not be feeling as positive about your relationship as you do. I don’t at all doubt the sincerity of your regard for her, but it’s a good idea to make sure you’re both on the same page before moving forward. Good luck, you crazy cut-ups!

The Virgin Spring

I am a 21-year-old man. How do I know if a girl is really a virgin? My girlfriend has told me she’s a virgin, but I can’t be sure. Thanks, and be cool.
–Inquiring Mind

You don’t know, my inquiring young friend. That’s kind of the point: virginity is irrelevant. The traditional evidence that a woman is a virgin is the presence of the hymen, a piece of membrane that covers the external opening of the vagina. The hymen tears during a woman’s first sexual intercourse; hence, the tradition in many conservative religious families of displaying the bloody sheets after a newly-married couple has consummated their relationship for the first time. However, there are innumerable ways for a woman’s hymen to tear before she’s ever had intercourse—during sports activities, using a tampon, random jostling—and some women aren’t even born with a hymen. There are also endless ways to fake the first bleeding (inserting a pouch of goat’s blood being among the more gross methods), and with the popularity of hymen-reconstruction surgery on the surge in Europe, there’s just no way of knowing what the hymen even means anymore. (I point you to the 2006 case in France where a Muslim man had his marriage to a Muslim woman annulled the next day because he discovered she was not really the virgin she claimed to be before the wedding. This court decision was initially supported by France’s justice minister—a Muslim woman– and sparked a wave of requests in hymen-reconstruction surgeries in Europe.)

All this just goes to show that virginity isn’t really important and it’s damn near impossible to prove anyway. Honestly, why do you care? So what if your girlfriend may have had premarital sex? If she’s lying, it’s probably because she correctly suspects that you’re the kind of dude who’d freak out about it, which is totally lame on your part. If she’s telling the truth, well, there it is. I haven’t noticed any great assertions of virginity on your part, so why does it matter if she’s one or not? All I can say is, be cool.

Will To Power

I am a 21-year-old boy. I know many girls who are ready to share a bed with me. Is it right to enjoy sex with so many girls, or is sex something I should only do with my wife? I am still virgin, so please help me.
–Want To Be A Ladies’ Man

Provided you treat the women in your life with respect, use protection, and are honest with everyone involved, I see no problem with having premarital sex. Go ahead, live a little. Sex is most definitely not something you need to save for marriage unless you really want to. (Honestly, I don’t know very many people with that kind of willpower.) Just make sure you’re not all hung up on the idea of your wife being a virgin—if you’re allowed to have tested the waters before marriage, then she is, too. And remember kids, use condoms!

Everybody’s Free…To Be You And Me

I am currently in an open relationship and both my partner and I find it immensely satisfying. We are best friends of the quintessential “call up at 4 am about anything” kind. We can turn to each other for anything we need, physically and emotionally. I thank the fates every day for bringing this wonderful, beautiful woman into my life. We connect so well that people often comment that we are exact duplicates of each other. We love each other, but not in the traditional sense–rather in a ‘best buds’ kind of way. We enjoy our intimacy and our mutual desire for one another, but we both have a very healthy sex drive and do not limit ourselves. We both sex outside our relationship. It’s all well and good, and we have a nice, cozy arrangement in place.

What could possibly be the problem? Recently her parents found out about this arrangement of ours, on account of family friends of hers who had no business poking their nose into our affairs. While her parents are fairly liberal in matters of love and sex, they have expressed strong misgivings about the kind of relationship their daughter and I have. Me? I don’t give a damn about what anyone thinks of my personal life. But my partner is very close to her parents and wants them to approve of our relationship. She has convinced her parents to have a sit-down with both of us and talk things over. I can see her parents’ point of view—I guess they want to make sure that I don’t hurt their “little girl” in any way. But I’m also terribly flustered at the thought of discussing our relationship with them. I’ve never met them before and, quite frankly, I don’t know what I could possibly say to them to make them feel better about this. Her parents live in Hyderabad and they are coming down to Chennai in a couple of weeks to meet with us. I’m usually a big fan of the “be yourself” model of living, but I’m not entirely sure that being myself is such a good idea in this particular case. Any suggestions as to how I should go about this?
–Being Myself Could Cause Trouble

I have to say, it’s rare for me to get letters where it truly seems like everyone involved has the best of intentions and is approaching the situation with maturity and grace. You and your partner seem to have a lot of mutual respect and her parents also appear to be willing to at least try to understand their daughter’s relationship decisions. When everyone is coming to the table as caring adults and not hysterical, judgmental harpies, then I think it’s safe to say that half the battle has already been won. Way to go, letter-writer.

That being said, you and your partner both have to acknowledge the limits of what reasonable discussion accomplish. It’s very clear from your letter that the two of you have a healthy and trusting relationship and that you figured out how to the non-exclusivity thing really well. However, it’s also natural for people who care about you both to be concerned—open relationships are not the most common romantic arrangement, and realizing that your child has a loving, romantic partnership that isn’t sexually exclusive can be a very disconcerting thing. My advice? I think your partner should have this pow-wow with her parents alone. As it is, they’re going to feel discombobulated and wrong-footed about the whole thing discussion, and it’s best not to add to their confusion by asking them to meet the man behind the myth before they’ve even had a chance to digest the particular ins-and-outs (so to speak) of your relationship. Also, these are her parents, not yours, and if she cares so much about their approval then she needs to take responsibility for seeing that she has it. I would also advise you two to be patient and not get your expectations too high; this kind of disclosure can take a long time to settle in, and her parents are not going to be accepting and happy-go-lucky about this after just one sit-down. Getting them to accept and approve of your relationship is going to require a whole series of conversations, and the more easygoing you both are about this, the more likely it is that the ‘rents feel reassured.
On a final note, you mentioned that your partner’s parents found out about your relationship through nosy family friends? Do you mind my asking how exactly the family friends got in the loop? The only reason why I’m wondering is because it’s just possible your partner told them about it. If that’s the case, then I suggest have an honest conversation with her about how you’re both feeling about the non-monogamous nature of your relationship. If indeed your partner did tell them, it’s entirely possible that your she was seeking their approval or their advice, and that she might not be feeling as positive about your relationship as you do. I don’t at all doubt the sincerity of your regard for her, but it’s a good idea to make sure you’re both on the same page before moving forward. Good luck, you crazy cut-ups!

Fancy Footwork

I am 40 years old and my girlfriend is 35. We have been together for five years and both of us are happy and engaged to be married. About six months ago I saw a film in which the heroine had a beautiful pair of feet. That same night I kissed my fiancée’s feet when we were having sex. This slowly became a part of our regular sexual routine—I chew all of her toes and lick the sides. Once this even led to anal sex.  I find that I take immense pleasure in both of this acts and I thought things were going well, but what I didn’t realize was that my fiancée was not enjoying any of this. She began to discourage me with regards to both acts. She has openly declined from participating, saying that she is not a whore and that I have psychological problems. We have now started becoming distant from each other. Last week we started talking about staying in separate bedrooms. At this age it is too late for us to get married to other people, and anyway, we both still love each other. Please tell me what to do.
–Problems With Feet

It’s not often that I’m stumped by a letter, but this one’s really got me. On the one hand, if you have a fetish for feet (which is much more common than most people would believe) and you really need some footwork in your sexual life in order to be satisfied, then you and your partner should try to accommodate each other. And it’s really unfair to call someone’s fetish a psychological problem, especially something as harmless as a thing for feet. However, your letter has left some ellipses in the story. First off, are you treating your girlfriend’s feet well? Getting your toes chewed doesn’t sound all that pleasant. Second of all, did you ever actually sit down with her and discuss your desire to explore foot worship? It sounds like you kind of sprang it on her without asking her if she’s okay with it first. And finally, how on earth does a foot fetish “lead” to anal sex? Those two things are not necessarily connected except by the fact that they’re both sexual acts. Did you ask her if she was okay having anal sex? If you didn’t perform these basic courtesies, then I can see how she would feel a bit used at the end of all of this. Of course, she didn’t have to silently go along with everything—she could have spoken up at the appropriate moment instead of letting the resentment build up over time. But that’s neither here nor there. So what it comes down to is that you both bear some share of the responsibility for things being the way they are.

I don’t think this is an irrecoverable situation, but both of you need to come to the table and be grown ups.  Sit down and have a real conversation about what’s been going on: what you expect sexually, what she expects, and where you can compromise. You both may find that you’re actually not sexually compatible at the end of this and want to end things, but that’s not necessarily the worst outcome in the world. Neither of you are too old to find new partners.