Opening Up

I am currently in an open relationship and both my partner and I find it immensely satisfying. We are best friends of the quintessential “call up at 4 am about anything” kind. We can turn to each other for anything we need, physically and emotionally. I thank the fates every day for bringing this wonderful, beautiful woman into my life. We connect so well that people often comment that we are exact duplicates of each other. We love each other, but not in the traditional sense–rather in a ‘best buds’ kind of way. We enjoy our intimacy and our mutual desire for one another, but we both have a very healthy sex drive and do not limit ourselves. We both sex outside our relationship. It’s all well and good, and we have a nice, cozy arrangement in place.

What could possibly be the problem? Recently her parents found out about this arrangement of ours, on account of family friends of hers who had no business poking their nose into our affairs. While her parents are fairly liberal in matters of love and sex, they have expressed strong misgivings about the kind of relationship their daughter and I have. Me? I don’t give a damn about what anyone thinks of my personal life. But my partner is very close to her parents and wants them to approve of our relationship. She has convinced her parents to have a sit-down with both of us and talk things over. I can see her parents’ point of view—I guess they want to make sure that I don’t hurt their “little girl” in any way. But I’m also terribly flustered at the thought of discussing our relationship with them. I’ve never met them before and, quite frankly, I don’t know what I could possibly say to them to make them feel better about this. Her parents live in Hyderabad and they are coming down to Chennai in a couple of weeks to meet with us. I’m usually a big fan of the “be yourself” model of living, but I’m not entirely sure that being myself is such a good idea in this particular case. Any suggestions as to how I should go about this?
–Being Myself Could Cause Trouble

I have to say, it’s rare for me to get letters where it truly seems like everyone involved has the best of intentions and is approaching the situation with maturity and grace. You and your partner seem to have a lot of mutual respect and her parents also appear to be willing to at least try to understand their daughter’s relationship decisions. When everyone is coming to the table as caring adults and not hysterical, judgmental harpies, then I think it’s safe to say that half the battle has already been won. Way to go, letter-writer.

That being said, you and your partner both have to acknowledge the limits of what reasonable discussion accomplish. It’s very clear from your letter that the two of you have a healthy and trusting relationship and that you figured out how to the non-exclusivity thing really well. However, it’s also natural for people who care about you both to be concerned—open relationships are not the most common romantic arrangement, and realizing that your child has a loving, romantic partnership that isn’t sexually exclusive can be a very disconcerting thing. My advice? I think your partner should have this pow-wow with her parents alone. As it is, they’re going to feel discombobulated and wrong-footed about the whole thing discussion, and it’s best not to add to their confusion by asking them to meet the man behind the myth before they’ve even had a chance to digest the particular ins-and-outs (so to speak) of your relationship. Also, these are her parents, not yours, and if she cares so much about their approval then she needs to take responsibility for seeing that she has it. I would also advise you two to be patient and not get your expectations too high; this kind of disclosure can take a long time to settle in, and her parents are not going to be accepting and happy-go-lucky about this after just one sit-down. Getting them to accept and approve of your relationship is going to require a whole series of conversations, and the more easygoing you both are about this, the more likely it is that the ‘rents feel reassured. I highly recommend checking out the message boards at the website Opening Up for more advice on handling families as part of an open relationship. (Opening Up is a support and resource website for people in non-monogamous relationships, run by sex columnist, writer, and sex education Tristan Taormino.)
On a final note, you mentioned that your partner’s parents found out about your relationship through nosy family friends? Do you mind my asking how exactly the family friends got in the loop? The only reason why I’m wondering is because it’s just possible your partner told them about it. If that’s the case, then I suggest have an honest conversation with her about how you’re both feeling about the non-monogamous nature of your relationship. If indeed your partner did tell them, it’s entirely possible that your she was seeking their approval or their advice, and that she might not be feeling as positive about your relationship as you do. I don’t at all doubt the sincerity of your regard for her, but it’s a good idea to make sure you’re both on the same page before moving forward. Good luck, you crazy cut-ups!