Very Cultured

Your advice to the married 52-year-old man who is in a sexless marriage was entertaining reading (November 8th, 2008), but your answer to “look elsewhere” was not in good taste. We as human beings should adopt certain standards, and you as a columnist and advisor should not ask people to look elsewhere.  I have my story to offer as an example.  Right now I am 54 years old. I got married at 38 and had all the fun and frolic of married life for two months, but since then I have been alone.  I had an aged and bed-ridden mother who expired last year and an unmarried sister at home.  I have been content in looking after them and although I had all the emotion and needs of a normal human being, I never ventured to go out and see women “elsewhere”. I have never needed to consult counselors, doctors or the so-called “consultants” to overcome my feelings. Even today I have the normal feelings of a normal human being, but I am content with my own pleasurable ways.  Looking “elsewhere” is not part of our culture.  Sex is certainly a part and parcel of who we are, but it is not the only thing that defines us. Please stick to our culture’s one man/one woman policy and continue your good work for the years to come.
–Defending Our Culture

I hate to say this, but if I had gotten into the sex advice gig for the purposes of promoting “good taste”, I wouldn’t be printing letters from balloon fetishists and chronic masturbators. Good taste is not the name of the game here because sex is not in good taste. It’s weird, joyous, pleasurable, undignified, and possibly embarrassing, but it is most certainly not tasteful—unless you’re into some weird food-fight sex play. Some of the stories I’ve heard…but I digress.

Anyway, let’s get back to the issue at hand. I’m very happy for you that you’ve managed to go so many years without seeking some fun and frolic.  Good for you, Scooby-Doo. But if you look back at the advice I gave to the letter-writer from November 8th, I told him to talk with his wife before making any moves. It’s entirely possible that she would be supportive of him seeking sexual partners outside the marriage. Who knows? All I can say is that the longer the two of them stick around in a sexless marriage without talking about the problems causing it, the more likely it is that the frustrated partner is going to go out and do something secretive and dishonest. (That goes for sexually frustrated women as well.) Whatever your moral opinions about this may be, someone cheating when he or she is stuck in a sexless relationship is an eventuality that everyone involved is just going to have to get realistic about. My advice was for him to be honest about his frustrations and see if there was some solution that could be worked out to all parties’ satisfaction. I didn’t tell the hapless husband to lie to his wife or use the phrase “look elsewhere” at any point in the column.

As for this whole issue about “our culture”, that argument is getting pretty tired. You complain until you’re blue in the face that so-called Indian culture does not condone certain kinds of sexual behavior, but I can tell you from the letters I receive that a lot of members of the “culture” are having sex with multiple partners, cross-dressing, popping balloons on their hoo-hoos for kicks, and generally acting like a bunch of sexual cut-ups. More power to ‘em, I say. Not to get all egghead on you, but culture is not a discrete entity that can be easily defined by a set of strict parameters. No matter what the received wisdom may be about the cultural behavior and values of a given community, most members of that community violate, defy, or abandon those expectations every day of week and twice on Sundays. You may say that Indian culture dictates that one man and one woman should partner off earlier, only have sex for the purpose of making babies, and stay faithful to each other forever, but since so few Indians actually follow those precepts, can those values really be considered definitive of “Indian culture” anymore? I think not, and the sooner people start accepting and celebrating the diversity of sexual desires within own communities, the better.

Speaking For The Victim

Your advice to the mother from last week’s column (November 15th, 2008) not to let her grown-up son touch sexually her was bold and morally sound.  Considering that this was such sane advice, I am tempted to ask you what counsel you have for her son. His mother allowed him foreplay to the point of no return, so what else was the poor fellow to do? I have not heard of a mother letting her adolescent son pet and fondle her breasts. The sex urge is very strong at his age and there probably was no other way to let off steam.  If she denied him, wouldn’t it be something like forcing someone not to pass urine when he or she is hard-pressed to it? The mother should have known that there is more lust than love in young boys.  Given such liberties, an exasperated youth will not stop short of raping. Love is blind, but so is lust. There is a local saying that mother and daughter are women, pots and pitchers are mud.  Putting these together, it is no wonder that a desperate youth would find any woman fit for his purpose—even his own mother.

There are many associations that cry themselves hoarse about the rights and privileges of sexual perverts like gays, lesbians and trans-genders, whereas there is no one to speak for these normal healthy unfortunates who, like the son from last week’s column, have a genuine problem.  Sex is an obsession for them.  They turn into peeping toms and exhibitionists and feel guilty all along. Condemning the boy is easy to do, but unfortunately the culprit is also a sufferer. He also has a story to tell. I am not advocating sexual anarchy, but these were some of the thoughts that flashed through my mind on reading your column. I do not have any solution to offer for this problem in the given social set-up, but I would be interested to hear your opinion.
–Speaking For The Victim

Are you out of your ever-loving mind? First of all, I happen to run one of those organizations that advocate for the rights of “sexual perverts” and I can tell you right now that I don’t know very many queer men, women, or transgender individuals who sexually assault their mothers. No matter who it is you’re jonesing for, the desire for consensual sex is very sane. The desire to jerk off while “clenching” your mother’s breasts is very insane. Get a goddamn grip.

Moving right along, I find your insistence that males (particularly teenagers) are simply incapable of controlling their sexual urges to be very troubling. It’s this same misconception about male sexuality that allows people to excuse rape—which is not so far off from what this boy is perpetrating on his mother. If you actually read my advice from last week, you would see that I did insist that the mother take responsibility for her behavior. It’s true that she has been sending very mixed messages to her son, and while I’m going out on a limb here, it’s very likely that she was using her son as an emotional substitute for her absent husband. I also agree with you that vilifying the kid for his (admittedly) sick behavior is not very productive and that what homeboy needs is some serious professional help. But let’s not forget that this boy is 17 years old and really should know better. There are plenty of men (and teenage boys) out there who are capable of controlling when and where they express their sexual desires, and blaming the mother for her son’s behavior is no different from saying she “asked” for it. As for your little “local” homily, I have no idea what you’re trying to get at, but I hope to God you’re not meaning to imply that women are mud.  It sure sounds that way.

Seduce And Destroy

I am a 21-year-old boy. I want to seduce a 30-year-old married woman. She’s my uncle’s wife. She has caught me lifting her sari when she’s sleeping and watching her bathe, and has informed her husband about this. However, I know her husband does not satisfy her because he’s pretty small in size, if you know what I mean. So, I want to seduce her in some way. How should I go about this?
–I Know Better

What is wrong with you? First of all, lifting a woman’s sari when she’s sleeping and spying on her taking a bath is incredibly intrusive, an unforgivable violation of her space and privacy. Just because you like someone, it doesn’t give you the right to treat her like your private property or an object for your masturbatory fantasies, with no volition or boundaries of her own.

Second of all, this woman has complained to her husband about your behavior, that’s a pretty clear indication that she is not interested in your advances. And don’t give me this nonsense about her husband’s penis size and how you know better. That’s not an excuse for this kind of behavior. In all probability, this woman is completely grossed out by you. And she’s right, because you sound pretty gross. If a woman indicates that she’s not interested in you, that’s when you close up shop and move on. You do not take that as a sign to continue trying to “seduce” her, or whatever it is you call your lame attempts to mack with her. Again, I ask, what is wrong with you? Gentlemen everywhere, take note: attraction to someone does not make them your property, it does not erase their boundaries, and if they say no to your advances, you under and obligation to respect their decision. Don’t be a chump, like this fool letter-writer.

Asking The Wrong Question

I have an issue and I earnestly seek your guidance on this. I am a 52-year-old man and my sex drive is as strong now as it was when I was 18. However, my wife has lost all interest in sex. I have tried to control my urge through meditation and seeking solace from prayer, but in spite of everything I still get bad thoughts and watch porn on my laptop—and feel guilty about it later. These last two years of abstinence have really been getting to me. I have tried dropping hints to my wife but she doesn’t really seem to get what I’m saying. Are there any ayurvedic medicines to control my sex drive?
–Need Control

Two years? Two years? I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound shocked, but this literally boggles my mind.

Honestly, you sound like a saint for putting up with this. I know that all couples go through rough patches every now and then, and sometimes you can end up with someone whose libido just doesn’t match up with yours—either they want sex more than you do, or you want more sex than they do. This does not have to be a deal-breaker and compromise is possible. But two years of no sex and no discussion about it sounds like an honest-to-goodness nightmare, and there’s no reason you should have to put up with this. (Just to clarify, this goes for anyone—man, woman, third-gender individual, what have you—who is being denied sex in their relationship, not just husbands who are being cold-cocked by their wives.) The fulfillment of sexual desire is extremely important for relationships to work. You have a right to want sexual fulfillment and you certainly shouldn’t feel guilty for having sexual desires, particularly if the most extreme thing you’ve done is something as harmless as watching porn. In strict point of fact, your wife also has the right to expect sexual fulfillment—which in her case means abstinence, I suppose—so maybe the two of you are not meant to stay together, or perhaps you should open your relationship so that you can continue to pursue sexual relationships outside your marriage. If your wife is having a tough time or is stressed out, then she’s under an obligation to talk it through with you and help come up with a workable solution. In any event, since she’s not doing the talking, you’ll have to take up the burden. You need to sit her down and tell her what this is doing to you. Pose a few options—breaking up, opening the marriage, whatever—and talk it through. But make it clear that this is important to you and that together you need to come up with a solution that works for both of you.

And in response to your other question, I have no idea if there are ayurvedic medicines that control the libido.

The Great Explainer

I read in newspaper about your answers to questions. I am married and for the past eight years our personal life has not been in order. Please advise. –Help!

How can I help if I don’t know what the problem is? More details, please! (This goes for all of you letter-writers out there: I know I say this all the time, but I can’t respond to your letters if you don’t tell me what exactly is going on.)